Ranting From Beyond

2007-06-29T23:26:00.001+02:00

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Fire Goddess!
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stalling for time nothing to say

2007-06-29T19:02:00.003+02:00

2007-06-29T19:02:00.001+02:00

2007-06-29T19:01:00.000+02:00

2007-05-30T18:19:00.000+02:00

and then the next day came along much like the one before only the clouds had passed and it all just seemed a little less sad

2007-05-28T09:20:00.000+02:00

2007-05-17T09:30:00.000+02:00

maybe not this one...a little too pristine...

not too cutesy either but

theres a part of me that's been been hanging out on a porch somewhere in a warm climate making jewellery and being a bohemian

far away from nasty little french men and the whole caste system that is life

the air is heavy with the scent of green and maybe just a hint of the ocean

and i am calm

2007-05-14T17:06:00.000+02:00

i guess it can be said that i dont do much to maintain or cultivate relationships

a true capricorn hermit

think i'm going to invent a new blog, ingognito whose sole purpose is to get hits

...let me

....entertain you

2007-05-11T21:29:00.000+02:00

hearby vow to lose 20 lbs in the next 2 months

2007-05-11T18:24:00.000+02:00

just to keep my self informed...here's the weekly update...

have won the admiration of my colleagues and thus created a small following for daring to do what i do so well...yell back...and so life goes on...

tapitty-tapitty-tapitty-tap

much cheese written this week

queen of cheese i am

2007-05-07T06:48:00.000+02:00

must go to work and face the nasty little man. how exciting. what good things are in store for me today....

2007-05-06T03:53:00.000+02:00

maybe its time to lose the easter colours

and the easter decorations

i like easter

you haven't heard boo from me because it's been sunny and gorgeous and my mom's been here

so i've been busy and content

now she's gone and i'm bumbed

i want to go back to 1990 for a week or two and just take a break

it's weird

because i live in this alternate reality called expat land which is unaffected by all the things that make home so different than it was when i first left, my idea of going home seems to have become like time travel

if i could go anywhere, it would be were the gap wasn't so damn large

it's not the ocean anymore it's the seconds and the hours and the days

Go ahead make an example out of me, i'm flattered

2007-05-06T03:12:00.000+02:00

feeling kind of dumped at the moment. guess i just aint interesting enough.gotta find inner motivation again....hmn how bout whining about what happened at work. here we go...since i'm up thinking about it anyway...

thurs night...child sick sick sick...
fri am better but not enough for school...result. i stay home as i am entitled to do by law 2days per year per child

but being responsible n all i call in and tell them, also mentioning that i could do some work from home and would come with child if needs be to fix any problems should they arise...

problems arise...as they have no back up for me need to drag poor sick child off couch and into the car to work (baaddddd mommy)

i get to work - kids in tow

go see nasty little french man for a briefing because that is what i'm trained to do - debrief at every debrief-able moment

lets just say it was after lunch nd that seems to be a bad time for nasty little french man posssibly due to his affection for alcohol...

he REEMs on me...ScREAMS AT ME...nonsense and babble about how i only do as i please blah d blah ? !!!???? what?!!! i tried to explain and there was no explaining he just got louder...and so so did i and yes this was in front of my kids and the whole office i feel sick

well anyway he was way out of line as by law it is my right to take that day off if i n^have to, and i had to and i have a medical certificate for it and he is going to eat his hat on monday

nevertheless i feel a witchburning in the air

should i quit? i feel so sick about it i dont want to go back its so fucked

what do you say universe head held high once again

what's with these men that need to thwart me? i say fuck'em or letem continue to fuck themselves, even better...

2007-05-06T03:05:00.000+02:00

this baby has been keeping me sleepless and wreaking havoc upon my life for over a week now...

alone

2007-05-02T22:06:00.001+02:00

alone, originally uploaded by blue.fairie.

Thanks Vh

2007-05-02T20:24:00.000+02:00

2007-04-12T09:15:00.000+02:00

it's a new dawn, a new day, a new life.....and i'm feeeeling good

why i hate my work environment part 1 (and yes there have been jobs i've loved)

2007-03-31T07:25:00.000+02:00

europe is still the old world. and they don't like "loud-mouthed americans" especially when they're women. women should be seen and not heard, leave the braun and the decision-making to the professionals. smile serenely and manipulate from behind the scenes...so much more lady like (possibly, the only effective way of getting what you need in this life if you don't want to be publicly stoned, however)

i've always had my challenges where nasty old-world men and their fear of castration is concerned. you don't even need to say anything....they sense it. red alert, the female is having resistant thoughts, red alert. thwart her! thwart her immediately!

it's hard to have been brought up a "free thinker" and not have amazing credetials or the appropriate pedigree (because, sorry folks, it's all about who you know and who's your daddy) to flash at all those who would prefer you pipe down and serve the proverbial coffee.

funny thing is, i have WAY more experience than anyone else in my office, besides the nasty little man who is supposed to be managing it, and yet, he refuses to address me. he talks to my colleague who he hired directly and the rediculousness of it is that he talks to the guy in french and i have to translate, sort of like this..."he said to make sure we do this"...and since that guy doesn't actually do the work or understand french, it basically means i'm translating this..."tell her (me) to do this"...AHHHH crazy!

am i going to walk out on what could be a full-of-potential job (that i actually enjoy doing) just because it's monopolozed by nasty little men who suck at what they do? tune in next week to see if luxury jargon girl has fucked off.

(don't think i'm talking about all men. just the nasty little schemers who think a woman should be all sugar and spice. i'm going to put fire ants on his chair.)

2007-03-29T21:09:00.000+02:00

that was one corny poem you wrote there, m'am.

as for the present and the herenowww, still nothing interesting to say. lots happening. too lazy to write about it.

sprinng is sprung.

i have beautiful flowers in my garden and new stone on the drive. semi-precious stone at the price i paid for all 7 tonnes of it. worth it's weight in gold. but emphasis on the worth. makes it look sooooo nice. (well, nicer)

work is work and i am underpaid and blahdiblah. but the fun factor is there at times and the kids are realising that 40 can still be cool (and hot) so i feel like less of an attractive aging alien. it's also nice that i'm no longer the only overworkedunderpaid one. and no longer the only so-called grown up. (i'm sooo not) (but can i ever pretend)

time to go drink some of my favorite cheap chilean wine and melt into the couch for the night.

cin cin

Just One More Petal

2007-03-23T17:51:00.000+01:00

"Daisy,
I love you."

Pose a problem (a pocket full):
how could i return this love?
he has not my affection (earned)

Besides,
to be suddenly plucked form one's accustomed bed and delivered directly to another is an undesirable event (in one's prime)

Consider the disturbance among the "social butterflies"
I'm no wallflower

Anyways pick me?! Notwithstanding numerous others?

Lying at the foot of this bed where i always lie
(sun shines brightest here and i can see the entire garden)
his words
whispered in my sleep
"Daisy", said he
"Yes" said she (never having heard her own voice she imagines it was hers)

"I love you for you are more beautiful than any other in this garden."
( Running fingers
along stem
plant kiss on her
petal
soft
lips...)

Plucked
Transplanted (on the highest pedestal)

i shall float above others in glorious (illustrious?) light

soon after

THE REALIZATION: vast emptiness created by sudden disappearance of familiars

The sun does not shine bright enough to strike my darkening days (daze)
No measure of moisture will satisfy such thirst (tears won't do)
Nature says his doting presence can not restore my essence
Beauty fades

In solemn isolation i would wither

It would not do to suffer so for such a brief cause
Life would longer be sustained, would the seed remain
Where such seeds are sown

He loves the roses with their sweet perfume (Love me, Love me not)
And prickly thorns
They will draw his blood indeed
In glory of attempts to possess
I wish i were a rose (it would be worth while)
I say I love him (he believes me a sweet daisy, love me , love me not)
He shall soon be pricked by thorns.

3 things the tarot said today

2007-03-17T16:44:00.000+01:00

http://www.lunaea.com/tarot/

2007-03-17T16:06:00.000+01:00

2007-03-12T20:12:00.000+01:00

ok

in truth i know i have been rather shallow lately

just dont have words for it all

2007-03-12T20:04:00.000+01:00

s'all better now

and i got new wheels

and the garden is waking up

and i am zen

because today it was SUNNY

and someone told me that crows feet are classy

2007-02-22T19:39:00.000+01:00

today the universe reminded me to be more in the moment....
AGAIN
as i drove into the rear end of someone's car that i hadn't noticed had come to a complete stop
AGAIN
for the second time in two months

HELLOOOOOO

some way to manifest a new car hmpf

jack ass

listen to the universe

find your center

stop giving poor law-abiding slow people whiplash

slow

calm

peace

namaste

start-up company crappy management blues

2007-02-22T03:51:00.000+01:00

after the year i had last year it seems impossible that i would be complaining about my job but i am
so not happy with this company
hired for half what i'm used to making but happy to be doing something sort of cool i say yes and sign the damn contract...only to realize a week or two in that the guy who "hired" me doesn't do work as part of his job...no work involved...only stting around surfing internet and playing big chief cool guy

result: my other not quite half time colleague has quit

result: i am doing all the work and management couldn't care less because i'm onthe hook and it costs less and jobs like this one don't come along in this crappy part of the world that often
(there are two full-time people doing the same amount of work in other depts)

there's more to it but i bore myself
can't sleep

very irritated all the time

want to leave europe and work with people who aren't so damn narrow minded

sorry blogworld another whiny post

2007-02-11T20:59:00.001+01:00

i have no liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiife.

2007-01-26T19:16:00.000+01:00

must. write. blog.

typetype delete delete

and delete that too

trying to decide if i like this new head space. money vs freeeeeeeeeedom.

ladies and gentlemen....inthis corner...fighting for heavyweight title...

without a hint of social graces I give you the pyjama-clad typing heathen, from the woods

YEAHHHHHHH

and in this corner...

sporting heels and toting a nifty cell phone, ready to slap you up and down with the latest copy of Robb Report...the new...on-the verge-of-killing-someone-if-they-don't-start-towing-the-line, very sexy and fashionable POWERWOMAN (snort)

they can't believe i'm 40 at the office
until i start telling them what to do
and get out the wooden spoon

i wanna glue knobs and blinky things in peace

but i'm actually quite optomistic that once i get used to this bra, life will be fine
and no fumes
except for the smell o cash baby

hahaha

aintweperky

2007-01-18T17:30:00.001+01:00

like many, i too have lost my blogging mojo.

yumm

2007-01-16T17:31:00.000+01:00

2007-01-15T17:34:00.001+01:00

maybe i should stop using the f word.

2007-01-13T13:36:00.000+01:00

ok. had a nice dinner and a few drinks and i'm over it.

2007-01-12T07:50:00.000+01:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

2007-01-11T20:10:00.000+01:00

So, tomorrow it's my birthday and I am feeling that way again.
Why am I always bummed on my birthday? Because I am usually alone on my birthday. Because living in a country where no one gives a fuck about you sort of gets to you and the fct that the people back home are becoming strangers more and more with every year makes it suck too. The fact that no matter what you decide to do at this point in your life it's too late and no one will ever give a fuck about you because poeple will always be too busy, or too whatever to care unless you have something really great that they find really interesting. And being over the hill and broke doesn't qualify. So pityparty it is. Am I bummed that on my birthday my ex doesn't think, hmn, maybe i wont assume its ok to take the kid on her birthday weekend. maybe i'll show her how much i appreciate her giving up her friends, family, future to move to a foreign country where poeple would treat her like a worthless peice of shit for the rest of her life...hmn. dream on. so fuck birthdays. and fuck france.

2007-01-10T07:49:00.001+01:00

the more ya got the more ya spend. fact.
but it feels so good when they're not wearing clothes that are 3 sizes too small any more. or sleeping on a hobo bed that you recuped from the former boss's basement and may or may not have bed bugs...leaning towards may have...actually technically, all beds are full of these...

2007-01-08T04:53:00.000+01:00

it's gotten very cavernous and echo-y around here.

now that i have this j.o.b. and it's dark all the time, all i want to do is sleep.

wake me up when it's spring.

2006-12-28T21:06:00.001+01:00

12th century!!!!!!!!!!!

living vicariously

2006-12-27T18:17:00.000+01:00

ever since freckles and sawyer got it on, i have been having the most vivid daydreams. it's so my life. except, it's not.
but it sure as hell used to be. before i married homer.
flashback.
need more sawyers around here.

job is boring.

but you didn't need to know that.

2006-12-25T14:17:00.001+01:00

merry christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-12-24T16:58:00.001+01:00

12th century. 2x as much as i make at the "office". hmn.

2006-12-23T11:11:00.000+01:00

going through this thing at the moment where there's much to say and no words to say it with. but in sum everything has worked itself out as we all knew it would eventually ;) and santa will be coming to town as always. he's just a little behind in his shopping this year. so, to help him along, i will be joining the droves of last minute shoppers in a frenzied attempt to fill those stalkings. santa will be proud. off i go.

ps. so pleased! my 15 yr old has taken to the piano! she's playing christmas carols. so pleased!

2006-12-21T00:36:00.001+01:00

busy. tired. busy. tired. busy.

and how are you?

2006-12-14T07:34:00.000+01:00

all out of things to say. well not really. just not motivated at the moment. things are good. gotta get more excercise. find a babysitter. excited about maybe travelling a little for work. pay is not high but am told will get better. hope so.

2006-12-12T07:30:00.000+01:00

no time.

trip was nice. too short.

gets harder and harder to go back.

time has got them worrying. me too.

it clouds everything.

fucking "mid-life" crisiis.

tomorrow i'll say cheerful things.

one minute you're sitting in the mall and all your peers have peircings and loads of rocknroll. next minute you blink and they're all fuzzy around the edges and conservative.

must stop hanging out at the mall. shopaholic.

2006-11-23T08:10:00.000+01:00

i got the full time position.

guess bbc isn't what they were after.

lesson learned.

also, found someone to look after kids so i'm off to the great white north next week.

happy

2006-11-22T07:26:00.000+01:00

goood morning.
want to make sure your kids get off to school smoothly and in a most congenial mood? unplug the television. makes a huge difference.

and since it's wednesday, time for an update.
hubby has joined the world of suits. i never thought i would say this but, yay!
and as of next week i may have my very own little cubicle in a sexy glassed in office building.
and it may only be part time, so i will get to see my kids, yay!

jobs jobs for everyone

2006-11-21T17:19:00.000+01:00

um, take that back. i might have the job.

future's so bright, i gotta wear shades

2006-11-21T07:35:00.000+01:00

same place same time same cup of coffee.
outside we've got cold dark and sleeting.
didn't get the job. would've been nice.
would like to take my dad up on his offer to fly home for a week but have no babysitter. must find today. book tickets today.

went to see "Borat" and laughed my ass off.

going to a painting class at a retirement home this morning. how a propos.

now to whip up some tuna sandwiches for the kiddos, throw on some duds and get on my merry way.

2006-11-17T13:01:00.000+01:00

2006-11-17T12:59:00.000+01:00

"an impressive resume". yeah, thanks. makes great tp here in the desert.

2006-11-17T10:03:00.000+01:00

phone call. we're putting your file on hold until monday.
ergo, you sucked. i'm interviewing a few more of my friends.
enter rage, frustration, disgust, screaming, kicking furniture and throwing coffee mug against wall
and cursing
much loud cursing

2006-11-17T08:37:00.000+01:00

well, i don't think i'm going to get the job. they're looking for bbc english types to do translation and voice over. i am not very bbc. anyway, it would have been cushy. oh weell. i'll just have to take up a hobby. what are you going to do with the rest of your life?

see, last week, after 18 odd years of agonizing about it, i finally thought i knew what i was going to do. go home to ma and pa, pick up where i left off, and get my Bachelor of Ed. everyone needs a good French teacher. except in europe. they have plenty here. in fact everyone's a teacher here and they correct my french all the fuckin time. and my english.

then,of course, decision being made and all, life says, NOT. and all of a sudden we're staying for a while. you'd think the bitch would be relieved. and i was. for about 20 minutes. then i thought, shit. it's decision time and i'm in a country where continued education is for MBA people who already have jobs. my former activity is not feasible as i am a wimp and won't go to london and beg for work. i am a mom after all.

and i'm either too old or underqualified for every job imagineable so i say fuck it.
i'll take up crochet and sell lovely tea cosies at the christmas market for cash.

2006-11-16T01:59:00.000+01:00

they called! they called! big interview tomorrow! can't sleep! big day! big day! can't talk about it! too important! big day!

2006-11-14T23:02:00.000+01:00

time to find new thought patterns. taking a break.

2006-11-14T07:38:00.000+01:00

we are staying. i can breathe. so, why am i bummed?

sending the spirits home

2006-11-12T07:03:00.000+01:00

2006-11-08T08:27:00.000+01:00

dh may have a j-job. pray for dh. pray!

(of course, this, just after i decide the best thing is to grow old back in the old country with my family family)

aint life funny

cutting ties

2006-11-06T11:47:00.000+01:00

last night i was officially named vice-president of our club. a good thing.
today i resigned. fuck society ladies.

national pull head out of ass day

2006-11-06T08:11:00.000+01:00

inspired by viewfinder's day out, i see his giant spider (meet "MAMA") and frank gehry (Guggenheim, Bilbao , Spain 2004), and raise him a giant chia pet.

go here for the truely inspiring story of how an art gallery can revive a city http://www.acturban.org/biennial/doc_net_cities/the_bilbao_effect.htm

today i:

contact a real estate agent or two or three

post pics of my wonderful home that i must sell on the internet in order to embrace life rather than hide from it, sorry house. sorry trees. i will miss you.

sell fucking 300M that chrysler concieved for the soul purpose of sucking thousands from one's bank account. love the car. hate the repairs. cringe at the gas guzzling. love the accelerator. love the accelerator. love the accelerator.

sell junk in garage.

throw out. give away. sort. box.

continue job search.

look into tickets to TO. for the first week of dec.

deadline for job procurement which could stop this train: dec.5

question to self: go get a B. Ed. starting january or hold out til september rather than hauling the kids out of school for end dec. (rather abrupt i admit)

lay off husband. he knows the score. don't need to bludgeon him with it.

anything else?

maybe put an art gallery on my front lawn

2006-11-03T09:48:00.000+01:00

insomnia chronicles

2006-11-03T02:25:00.000+01:00

2 am. favorite time for solace. or mind racing. vroom vroom.
can you tell me the colour of your father's 1968 porsche while at the same time retracing the pattern of the laura ashley wallpaper in your dollhouse apartment in 1987, reciting all the names of all the men you ever slept with and wondering if any of them still have hair or turned into normal husbands like yours who's wife is currently out and about with every fantasy in her alternative universe remaking the future in it's most minute detail and yet carefully preserving every element of the present from harm in any way shape or form. which is, of course, impossible.

cat's talking in his sleep.

butterfly in for the night is beating it's wings against the kitchen spots.

valerian is slowly taking hold.

cough is not letting up.

i still see pixels in the dark and little green pings of electric light as i lie awake but the diamonds and hearts and clovers from when i was little don't seem to be anywhere close by. i used to watch them for hours

2006-11-02T13:39:00.000+01:00

dont' know how much longer this relationship (co-dependancy) is going to last. in true capricorn spirit i feel the need to destroy the things i am disappointed with and this urge to destroy my "partner" is consuming me. can't stand the excuses any more. loathe and despise the victim stance. victim stance seemingly a permanant feature of the individual i am seriously close to throwing the baby out with the bathwater. something no mother wants to do really. but wait, oh yeah! I AM NOT HIS MOTHER!

2006-10-31T14:21:00.000+01:00

2006-10-31T00:13:00.000+01:00

actually, happy samhain.

2006-10-31T00:05:00.000+01:00

the theme for today is nar-ciss-ism.

she who whines incessantly

2006-10-30T23:44:00.000+01:00

this is totally against my rules. any self respecting blogger should rely solely on the purity of language. so, in the spirit of not being afraid i look you in the eye (from behind my racoon mask) and show you the face of a ninny who complains too much. maybe this will make me think twice before writing crap. or maybe i'll pull the pic in a very short time. likely.

2006-10-30T17:50:00.000+01:00

2006-10-30T17:00:00.000+01:00

lyricsdownload.com

2006-10-30T11:07:00.000+01:00

must go outside and take pictures of nature.

2006-10-30T10:31:00.000+01:00

so. for about a month now i have been looking at the emails on my dh's computer and trying to stay (get) informed about what he actually achieves in the many hours he sits in that hovel wanking off. i do not get updates without hounding for them and this has become yet another way for him to suck my energy. so i check the emails. not much happening. he may have another account i don't see, i'm not snooping that profoundly. yet. so when i turn it on this am he has conveniently left on the screen, a cost of living calculator comparing his ultimate destination (texas) to my compromise destinantion (new england). an ugly house listing for 284,000 in my area of choice. and a wonderful article about his wonderful place of choice. manipulative sob. i hate him two shades deeper today. hate him. fucking bovine. how can you not get that a canadian who has lived in europe half her life does not percieve the US as a great place to end up. Let ALONE TEXAS. he should have married that cheerleader back home. yet another man who does not love ME for ME. yet another woman who gives up her power to the fairy tale nightmare. handsome prince my ass. i am not a trophy wife. i will not go quietly. i will not be lulled into another wrong direction. i am going to ahve to cut him out of this equation. chanting: do it do it do it

oh my god what is wrong with me

2006-10-30T10:01:00.000+01:00

The only people i trust anymore are my kids. My hub seems to be totally out to lunch. He refuses to apply for jobs in California or Toronto. my cv won't carry us. so, since we need a landing pad, i've decided to go home to mom and dad. shame. loathing of male influence in life. When i ease up, i hate myself for being duped and when i'm on his case i hate myself for being an evil banshee. Swear to god. can't win. many times i have had to fight the impulse to terminate this deal. that said i don't know if it would be to my advantage if i keep trying and things fall apart in the US. custody favoring paternity these days and all. i as an unemployed foreigner would not be in a favorable position. maybe that's why he's ruling out canada. see where my mind is ?! not healthy. or is it...

fingers unleashed

2006-10-25T10:49:00.000+02:00

it has become increasingly apparent that you are not motivated to get a real job. in fact i am informed by a most reliable source that there is little to no brain activity in the sector. a final warning is now being issued and if the deadline is not respected you will automatically self-destruct. - the critic

ok. fuck. you want to know the truth?! what i want. i want to hang out with david lynch. that's what i want. i am defining one goal and that is it. hang out with david lynch. i want to paint with him by his pool.

i do not want to work for any fucking financial company, in marketing or as a pa or as anything else. i want to get paid to glue buttons and foam and connect miles of blinky lights all the while knowing that soon it'll all be in the trash. i do not want to join the real world. it is bullshit. call me a coward. call me a rebel. whatever.

i want creative control. i want to get little jolts of electricity from exchanging particles with very alive people. i want to talk to david lynch about that place in between. i dont want to work in a bank.

fuck banking.fuck the suit people. fuck selling. fuck product. fuck consumer confidence. fuck giving up who you are to become "a professional".

and fuck writer's block.

sent off another 10 resumes in 24 hrs. get ready to lie and shake hands and smile.

i need to get out of this town.

2006-10-24T17:23:00.000+02:00

Mist is your magical symbol. Mist is a very mysterious and dreamy element, which can often turn the mind fairly philosophical. Mist is highly intriguing and is noted as, sort of, a rare sight. Much like a rainbow. Seen a lot, but hardly enough. Mist brings about a sense of magic through its appearance as it glides across the earth in such a gentle, ghostly manner. And even as it does so, it doesn't seem to lessen in it's creative, wispy thickness or size. It's always there, moving and working, so unknown, and yet so wanted. Just like magic.

Happy quizilling,

Goddess
Quizilla CodePaste. Take it with you!

2006-10-24T09:20:00.000+02:00

rain.

leaves falling.

wind blowing.

nothing to say.

2006-10-24T00:17:00.000+02:00

off sound: door slamming

2006-10-24T00:06:00.000+02:00

to all my friends and lovers

i dont give a fuck

2006-10-22T11:22:00.000+02:00

today is thing 1's birthday. lucky seven.
french toast and flowers.
playground
presents
cake and candles
and this week we get the ears pierced. and some alone with mom time.
temp es fugate

colour pattern texture form

2006-10-22T10:55:00.000+02:00

Prophetic Words From 1987

2006-10-20T09:09:00.000+02:00

I will scale the brooding face of this God
Like a creeping vine I shall live by inches
Praying that no shifting wind should inspire a sigh
Sending showers of boulders to wash away our familiarity

Hailstorms are his teardrops

The shale slides away
Downwards I plummit
Helplessly I plead with the summit

Nature is an Indian Giver echoes in my ears

But an edge evolves and I am cradled on a pouting lip
This child reborn gazes up
With the taste of blood on her tongue
She screams
I will

2006-10-18T13:04:00.000+02:00

snyder's of hanover jalapeno pretzel pieces are blowing my diet.

2006-10-18T13:02:00.000+02:00

a very interesting job in a very interesting place has been applied for. a perfect fit. for him. and me. i will be praying for this. i can accept this change. i will even say, i want it to happen. i am for it. it's time.

2006-10-18T09:52:00.000+02:00

state of things.

- unemployed
- husband. unemployed
- event went well. dbled usual attendance. tripled usual quality. budget tight. may have gone over.meet and greet didn't keep track of walk-ins. may have some dine and dash.
- have realised i am near to cutting my dh loose as i can not be his mother.
- many friends have now recognised i am not being unduely hard on dh
- if must leave home, will rent not sell it.
- if must leave home will squat parents for 6 months.
- will get job.
- dh may do whatever the fuck he wants i'll get on without him.
- i must be careful not to let extreme stress take over and see everyone/thing through paranoid glasses
- i am actively protecting my children from our stress as of three weeks now. they are happier.
- my 7 yr old daughter gave me money the other day to "pay for her birthday party".sigh
- my 5/12 yr old son gives me 2 spontaneous "i love you mommy", hugs/day.
- my 14 yr old tells me she is on board no matter what happens and she will face it with a positive attitude. quote.
- i am a lucky mummy

2006-10-13T22:47:00.000+02:00

my home town has just approved the demolition of it's last remaining bastion of quaintness and history. this is authentic quaintness, not the disney type. down it goes. lockdown on the lakefront. what has been enjoyed by the public for almost 200 years is now to disappear. privatized. private beachfront and 20 stories for the $400,000+ condo cast. sick.stupid. outrageously arrogant. you know the song "Lakeside Park"? bye bye.

2006-10-12T03:28:00.000+02:00

2006-10-12T03:27:00.000+02:00

i want chocolate

2006-10-12T02:53:00.000+02:00

osmebody has been messing with my internal alarm clock. it is not right to wake up at 2:30 in the morning. i went to bed early specifically to fight the effects of not going to bed until 2:oo and here i am. just finished the rest of my valerian stash and it better work because boy am i awake. i wonder if i am becoming my nana. all high strung and never asleep until 3 am. she was an excellent painter. i'll have to use all this free time for something other than mulling over everything that passes through my mind, over and over and over as i lie in bed trying to get back to sleep. blogging will have to do fro now.

mind junk:

saturday's dinner party - twice the expected turnout
sound - two rooms, one sound system...does he have a cordless mike
should i rent a disco ball
should i bother to get the dry ice - will the kids freeze themselves to it
icebreaker - will we have time for it
kids - will they behave and have fun with the babysitter while we eat in peace
kids -
deco - nails, tacks, black tack (grey would be better), tape
must go to resto tomorrow and get floor plan figured out,
costume judgeing - applaud-o-metre, is it really a nice thing to do to a 4 yr old?
pie contest- where to put them
speeches...TiMING
dinner...TIming
float...must get another
must pay for dinner...that's right, i am doing all this AND paying 100 bucks to attend
any more loose thoughts want to jump on here do it now...
assign person to do candy bags
get helper to do applaud-o-metre
type up a time-table/update for committe and volunteers

get a job

that should cover it for the moment

i will be going as queen of the damned

2006-10-08T09:35:00.000+02:00

sunday morning
coffee
pancakes
bacon
chilly floors
forts in the living room
lying in bed
staring out the window at the trees

ne regarde pas la vie dans le retroviseur

2006-10-07T12:26:00.000+02:00

MONSTER

2006-10-04T11:59:00.000+02:00

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motivational speech of the day

2006-10-03T05:00:00.000+02:00

why do i need somebody to hold my hand? you'd think i would have caught on by now that there's no one out there that is going to flank me and provide the same sort of support that i have dished out in the past. i am not going to get over this. i do not know where to go. i can't save us. i will have to return from this long journey covered in dishonour. i am one of those useless playthings that poeple are attracted to for 5 seconds and then forget. my life has been a waste. i am a failure. i can't pull us out of this nose dive.

2006-10-03T04:53:00.000+02:00

2006-10-01T20:55:00.000+02:00

well. full points for stupid and desperate. why? just impulsively gave my credit card number to a subscritption service which lists crap surveys you can do to make instant cash. why did i do this? why why why? stupid. stupid. stupid.

now my mailbox is going to full of crap and i'm out 35 bucks. ugh. LOSER.

shake that thing

2006-09-29T12:27:00.000+02:00

girating.

my secret to eternal youth.

bump and grind and girate and jump and wiggle and hoot. and drink and schmooze and flirt. and slap the occasional tight muscular ass. and revel in the livingness.

and take an aspirin. and drink lots of water.

do it often.

2006-09-27T10:18:00.000+02:00

start time: 11am. Wrap : 1:30 am. Pay: 30 euros or..... 46 cents an hour! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
obviously i didnt do it for the money. i never do anything for the money. i did it for the constant attention that i recieved from the swinging over 60 gentlemen.
i did it to remind a certain dynamic duo that i am not gone. i did it to remind myself of what i'm pining away for.
it was fun. got my hair done. got to do my favorite thing, explore yet another beautiful decaying example of pre-war glory, this time wonderfully art deco and dripping with grape vines and wysteria. the most excellent turquoise walls (patina'd by years of cigarette smoke)and the most hilarious early 70's dining room addition. needless to say, despite the copious amounts of feild in the area, this gorgreuos example of art deco will be levelled very soon top amke way for souless modern retirement units all legolike and splashed in primary coulours. fools.
anyway derelect beauty. my thing. why i did it for so long. i love abandoned buildings.
but i didn't take any photos. sorry.
otherwise, as you may know, regular extras can be a bit odd, so it was amusing. however the guy i was partnered with had the biggest mouth in the world and would not shut up. even after they shouted rolling. if there's one thing i can't abide by, it's extras that won^t shut up. needless to say, being this guys "date", i suddenly saw myself as one of them and decided that being an extra is degrading.
and that's my little moment of trivia for the day.

2006-09-26T08:14:00.000+02:00

today i'm going to go and be an extra. the theme is funereal in the rain. the pay is 30 euros. coffee is free. it will be like a nice little low stress underpaid reunion.
i'm actually looking forward to it.

currently worried about my hair. straight or wavy? dunno.

have started to become thin again. bye bye big voluptuous breasts. bye bye double chin. bye bye spare tire. bye bye tired puffy eyes. bye bye arm fat. am i sick? or is it just the absence of pasta and bread. whatever. it's working.

am a little bit reminded of why i chose to work in the fairy tale industry. i like many things about this life. i like short straight answers to my questions. i like immediate results. i like that once it's over, it' over. i am finding that my project making in the real world is frought with many long uneccessary pauses while i wait for people to maybe read the emails. i am finding that ladies who are married to important bankers have important friends and therefor get more immediate, more generous responses. i am finding that my time is valuable and that too much volunteerism makes a monkey out of jane. i am remembering how wonderful it is to flip the bird at all these silly people from the real world.

hmn. anything else? anything positive? oh. a guy from denver is interested in buying all this ski stuff we inherited from a film and so hopefully that will translate into some rent. another reason i MUST look into shipping. that's right. still haven't done it.

feel a bout of dumpster diving coming on.

2006-09-22T11:52:00.000+02:00

angst has always been a part of my journey. ever since i set foot in europe and lost the ablility to communicate with ease. i have always, somehow, plugged along, never really getting to that place where confidence and inspiration take over and i suddenly feel ME again.

my choices in jobs, people, places, have always been influenced by having to make do in a difficult situation. and yet, i am proud of what i have done so far. even if i know i could've done better if i'd just told the damn men in my life to go take a hike and followed my own path.

the reward for the life i have chosen is my children. who could second guess that? what kind of mother even thinks about what it might of been like if she'd refused to accept a ride on somebody else's destiny. maybe that's all i'm good for.
i can't stand the compromises. i can't face myself knowing that i have only been able to do a smidge of what i had dreamed of doing and that time is runing out and i now have to go quietly to a new destiny that is not, at all, one of my choosing.

putting my foot down, as i do daily, is ripping the famiily apart. but how can i not feel scammed when i sense deeply that the man in my life is cashing in on all that struggle, so that he can buy a bungalow in texas, a place i am for some reason, savagely against living in. a life without inspiration.

to say no, is to tear my family apart. to say yes, is to lose myself to compromise all over again. at this late date, i hardly have a choice.

i feel dead.

grateful day

2006-09-21T20:02:00.000+02:00

ok. quick. 5 things:

1. 3 beautiful kids, who are healthy, considerate and without behavioral problems.
2.
3. that my mom is cool and celebrated her 61st b-day at a local bar, jamming on the djembe with the band.
4. that i have kick-ass genes and will undoubtedly be able to get more than over this most terrifying time in life. and probably do more cool stuff that is floating around in the universe of endless possibilities.
5. that i have been given the ability to feel shivers and no matter how jaded i get, there are still lots of little things that give me shivers.

where i hide

2006-09-21T04:43:00.000+02:00

an update from the bitchy little fairy:

2006-09-19T11:50:00.000+02:00

having had enough of myself, relief was found in the burying of said self in matters of fun and merriment. such as, attempting to coerce a committee into defining a budget for an event that they hold every year. and this year in style, as it is i, who has been nominated to organise it. i have also been nominated v.p. since vp. is a nice thing to have on your cv, i will accept. even if it means having to run the club from debter's prison. as a result of all this free labour i have supplied, suddenly i feel quite motivated to seek out activites which actually pay.

results:

have contacted several events companies, one tv station, 2 production comapnies, 3 training facilities and 1 corporate coach

conclusion

should i not get hired on monday for the next palsy-walsy film, (who ME? attitude?) i shall trash the buffet at their anniversary gala, which i have, at least, been invited to

in this event, a flier will go out to all those desparate mamma's trying to get their kids' calendar filled , advertising after school bi-lingual crafts programme, at 20e's/headx25x8-supplies, i should still do ok.

will be enrolling in a subsidized Master's in Art Therapy

will pursue coaching option

will pursue trying to get some recent credit as a segment producer for local tv, having proposed to head their new life-styles and culture division (transferability)

nothing to lose = nothing to fear = just do it = succes = stymying my husband's plan to move us to , gulp, TEXAS

that's all folks

(thanks for asking)

m.i.a.

2006-09-08T18:34:00.000+02:00

so last year at this time, things were pretty grim. and this year at this time, things have not changed. in one month if no progress is made, we put the house on the market. in 4 months, unemployment runs out. because we have to put our kids in private school, we are running a monthly deficit of about 1500 euros. Add it up, as the song says. and so in case you all are wondering why i am obnoxious right now, there you have it. because as you know,job seekers over 35 are good for nuttin. fact of life. because they have expences, because they know what they want. because they have no more illusions. because they want to be paid what they're worth and they know that the starting salary is peanuts and won't pay the bills. i am so bitter at the moment. and i want to scream bloody murder all over the goddamn place. i invested my future in this country to help build a film industry and i busted my balls, cause i was a girl with balls for a while, inhaled toxic substances, pedal to the medal to fill the orders and build someone else's dreams thinking, what goes around comes around but NO! what goes around gets to the end of the conveyor belt and drops off into the bin unless they wake up and look after their own ass in time... nearly lost a finger and totally lost my way while making way for the locals to move in and take over. so despite the glorious sunny day, the small triumphs of late, i feel like the walking dead. generation x takes on a whole new meaning. i don't know what the fuck to do.