i am seriously considering anti-depressants.

this blog is lame. i am tempted to dismantle this blog. i would like to pull all this months posts.

blogging brings out the bitch in me.

ugh. now i feel all shitty for talking about something so ancient and unpleasant. and only the tip of the iceberg. but as we are being encouraged to live in a climate of fear and i do cherish my freedom, i have started to untangle this web that keeps me from winging my way through life. that keeps me cautious and afraid to give up what i have aquired. to take a chance. to have the faith in myself and the resilience of my children to survive and surpass this challenge and others to come.
if you are not growing you are dying. i am not going to die just yet. and i need to break this paralysis and show my kids how to defy entropy. i want out of this dark corner in the universe and i want to find that smile and steady gaze i once used to defy the sisters of chaos.
because i used know who i was. and it bugged people enough for them to want to wipe that smile off my brazen face.

sorry for being unpleasant

every time i stumble upon a mommy blog that starts with" i am wondering if it's what god wants for me"or some psalm, i could gag. it's a physical revolt that starts in my stomach and filters down to the ends of all those little hairs on my arms that are standing up in self-defence against a threat to my spirit and freedom. it's that pronounced. it conjures up images of some daddy's girl looking up angelically at her all knowing father as he pats her on the head and says, goood girl you won't go to hell like all those prideful sluts who refuse to see the way.

slut. a word which was bestowed upon me at my new catholic high school with a cross on every wall when i was 14 and far too young for the word to apply. but i was somehow different and therefore it would be my fate to walk alone every day, down the hall of shame as the girls hissed that word and i hugged my books tight to my chest and kept a confident smile and steady gaze.
i developed a habit of surrounding myself with boys that year. for protection on the days when "you're dead after school slut" where thrown in with the usual hateful looks and hissing. by the end of the year, i could be alone in that hall and still hear the hissing. not once did any good samaritan intervene.

the next year, i went to a public high school where i experienced far less judgemment and only one death threat. later that year, i heard about the Catholic Defenders of Virtue Club's latest antics. one of their own had gotten herself pregnant (grade 9 folks) and the leader decided to teach her a lesson. at the bus stop after school. on the ice. right in front of the school. visible from the principle's office. they kicked her in the stomach until she coughed up blood and left her there. apparently she was in hospital for a long time. result: she held on to her baby and became a much nicer person but decided to drop out of school. and what happened to the head of this vigilante group? the next year she was voted president of the student union.

that's enough reminiscing for now i think.

there is so much. soooo much . so many flashes from the many lives i have led until now. lives that sometimes cross each other when the past comes for dinner and reminds me of terraces and small babies and newness and espresso and gaulois cigarettes. the market on saturday mornings with papa. "monsieur, est-ce qu je peut goutter un bout de saucisse?" i'll take two dozen for 10 francs. prendre l'apéro ce soir? beaux arts. queen latifa and me. and our little melon heads who grew up all of a sudden.

and queen latifa visits the doctor today for an exploratory on something that hurts her when she visits her lover. and i think about our lives and see flashes through the haze of smokey days not so far away. and i hope.

making up for yesterday

badminton
bbq
sun
wading pool
squabbling in the wading pool
cake
rosée
catching up with old friends

and much more

what is this fun that you speak of

maybe all this lack of ambition is simply a symptom of acute boredom. here in the land of trees and bmw's i am unchallenged. well that's not quite true but the FUN where's the FUN. i need FUN. fun and challenge. essential for brain activity.(can't wait tosee who turns up in my stats after that.) i have never had much fun with europeans. they are square. take everything literally. don't know how to giggle uncontrollably. (well, not after they hit 18, anyway) i have done fun things here, mind you. but where is the love? and no, your new luis vuitton hand bag does not make you fun ladies.

so basically, at the school picnic yesterday with all the yups, i was very, very, bored.

silverlining: the kids were cute and they had a good time.

yesterday was the day of rosé and frank questions.

today is the day of tidy up the mess.

and market day.

and wait for an answer to my questions and resumé sending efforts.

tomorrow will be call Mr Big day if i have not recieved a nibble from destiny.

it is also the day of karate and public pools.

and now i am going for a walk-run-walk in the woods

heard it on the radio

The Long Way Around by Dixie Chicks

My friends from high school
Married their high school boyfriends
Moved into houses in the same ZIP codes
Where their parents live

But I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow

I hit the highway in a pink RV with stars on the ceiling
Lived like a gypsy
Six strong hands on the steering wheel

I've been a long time gone now
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down
But I've always found my way somehow

By taking the long way
Taking the long way around
Taking the long way
Taking the long way around

I met the queen of whatever
Drank with the Irish and smoked with the hippies
Moved with the shakers
Wouldn't kiss all the asses that they told me to

No I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow

It's been two long years now
Since the top of the world came crashing down
And I'm getting' it back on the road now

But I'm taking the long way
Taking the long way around
I'm taking the long way
Taking the long way around
The long
The long way around

Well, I fought with a stranger and I met myself
I opened my mouth and I heard myself
It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself
Guess I could have made it easier on myself

But I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow

Well, I never seem to do it like anybody else
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down
If you ever want to find me I can still be found

Taking the long way
Taking the long way around
Taking the long way
Taking the long way around

okay. posting is not high on the priority list as weather has become far too enticing to be in the house and there are always too many people around in the evening for me to get into it. having tired of whining about life i now seem to be at a loss for words.

randomly:

spent grocerie money on wine crates, beer and chips. have decided to spontaneaously invite people over as much as possible and drink alot.

job interview proccess has begun. unemployment guy very amicable. wished me luck.
unemployment office is in heart of exotic dancer neighborhood. was mistaken for hooker by several north african tourists. if job process fails perhaps there could be a career in dancing.

my children are adorable. this weekend is their school picnic. don't have the money to pay this semester's tuition. hope they will be able to return in fall. public school is predjudiced and outdated. not to mention in german. already stinted one child's development can not sacrifice the others to this warped institution.

must come up with sponsors for annual international bazaar. big job. haven't started yet. procrastinating.

must apply for cdn passport. haven't had one in over 10 years. lost it in the shifts.
must get driver's lisense renewed. then exchange it for long overdue local one. currently not with valid permit.
am casually fading into identity-less-ness.
no real desire to respect the law actually.
but necessary i suppose.

weeds to attend to.

will call Evil Genious later for some medieval club news and such.

sculptor-widow friend coming at four to tell me all about her new life with menopause.

there is a project brewing and i must scrounge the guts to call Mr. Big who is the man with the power.

do i dare eat a peach?

must change template.

tomorrow i go to the real world's unemployment office to hear what they told me when i was 29 : you're underqualified (BA), too old (now 39) and don't speak enough languages (2 and a smattering) to get a job.

i'm going anyway.

maybe they'll give me free bullets along with the pep talk.

and my conclusion as of the latest "CC" meeting:

changed my major from business to something less conformist for a very good reason

why do these people feel superior? i can picture them puking all over themselves at football games. the memories are still quite vivid. it hasn't gone away. you're still all boring.

says she who will never be a ceo (never say never)

who will never make a good rotary wife

the shame

this could make it hard to land a job

foolishness and more foolishness

and on my way to pick up the kids today i drove behind a huge tourist bus and guess what was emblazoned upon the rear of this bus in giant foot high letter...guess!

F U C K E R

when you think you've seen it all

(personally, i think all busses should have this. similar to the health warning on cigarette packages)

wish i had my camera.

and then, on our way back from karate in our nice white kimonos, my six year old screams, "mommy! my nose is bleeding! alot!" oh, my. yes.
it seems she lost the who-can-stick-the-most-tiny-styro-balls-up-your-nose contest with her brother...we counted three...not bad... but her little brother explained that he would always be the winnder because he practices alot with his finger and so his nose holes are bigger and he's more used to it
practise makes perfect. i'm so proud.

sorry for the incredibly large print. it's stuck on huge for some reason.

oh my god. i'm going to have a seisure. it's the SUN!!!!!

Please Visit this Site!

here i am with all this frivilous personal stuff on my blog and i had a visitor who just made me think i am too frivilous and personal. not because of anything i or they said. it's because it was a guest from iran who had googled Nazanin and found my banner, Save Nazanin. they left no comment. i had no explanation on the post, no reason to engage, and no one has exited off this button, so, no one has been interested enough to go there. maybe they think it's my weird sense of humour so i am going to cut and paste the story for anyone who may visit my site. i think if the only support i can give is to post a banner and sign a petition at least i can do that.

Update: Nazanin's case will be reviewed by the Supreme Court this week. If the death sentence is upheld, she may be executed very shortly after. Read more

This website was created to spread information about the 18-year old Iranian girl Nazanin Mahabad Fatehi, who has been sentenced to death by hanging. Nazanin`s "crime" was killing a man who ambushed and tried to rape her. Please take a few moments to read about her case and what you can do to stop the execution and save Nazanin`s life.

Questions or comments can be sent to save.nazanin@gmail.com

This website is now also available through the address

www.supportnazanin.org