shake that thing

girating.

my secret to eternal youth.

bump and grind and girate and jump and wiggle and hoot. and drink and schmooze and flirt. and slap the occasional tight muscular ass. and revel in the livingness.

and take an aspirin. and drink lots of water.

do it often.

start time: 11am. Wrap : 1:30 am. Pay: 30 euros or..... 46 cents an hour! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
obviously i didnt do it for the money. i never do anything for the money. i did it for the constant attention that i recieved from the swinging over 60 gentlemen.
i did it to remind a certain dynamic duo that i am not gone. i did it to remind myself of what i'm pining away for.
it was fun. got my hair done. got to do my favorite thing, explore yet another beautiful decaying example of pre-war glory, this time wonderfully art deco and dripping with grape vines and wysteria. the most excellent turquoise walls (patina'd by years of cigarette smoke)and the most hilarious early 70's dining room addition. needless to say, despite the copious amounts of feild in the area, this gorgreuos example of art deco will be levelled very soon top amke way for souless modern retirement units all legolike and splashed in primary coulours. fools.
anyway derelect beauty. my thing. why i did it for so long. i love abandoned buildings.
but i didn't take any photos. sorry.
otherwise, as you may know, regular extras can be a bit odd, so it was amusing. however the guy i was partnered with had the biggest mouth in the world and would not shut up. even after they shouted rolling. if there's one thing i can't abide by, it's extras that won^t shut up. needless to say, being this guys "date", i suddenly saw myself as one of them and decided that being an extra is degrading.
and that's my little moment of trivia for the day.

today i'm going to go and be an extra. the theme is funereal in the rain. the pay is 30 euros. coffee is free. it will be like a nice little low stress underpaid reunion.
i'm actually looking forward to it.

currently worried about my hair. straight or wavy? dunno.

have started to become thin again. bye bye big voluptuous breasts. bye bye double chin. bye bye spare tire. bye bye tired puffy eyes. bye bye arm fat. am i sick? or is it just the absence of pasta and bread. whatever. it's working.

am a little bit reminded of why i chose to work in the fairy tale industry. i like many things about this life. i like short straight answers to my questions. i like immediate results. i like that once it's over, it' over. i am finding that my project making in the real world is frought with many long uneccessary pauses while i wait for people to maybe read the emails. i am finding that ladies who are married to important bankers have important friends and therefor get more immediate, more generous responses. i am finding that my time is valuable and that too much volunteerism makes a monkey out of jane. i am remembering how wonderful it is to flip the bird at all these silly people from the real world.

hmn. anything else? anything positive? oh. a guy from denver is interested in buying all this ski stuff we inherited from a film and so hopefully that will translate into some rent. another reason i MUST look into shipping. that's right. still haven't done it.

feel a bout of dumpster diving coming on.

angst has always been a part of my journey. ever since i set foot in europe and lost the ablility to communicate with ease. i have always, somehow, plugged along, never really getting to that place where confidence and inspiration take over and i suddenly feel ME again.

my choices in jobs, people, places, have always been influenced by having to make do in a difficult situation. and yet, i am proud of what i have done so far. even if i know i could've done better if i'd just told the damn men in my life to go take a hike and followed my own path.

the reward for the life i have chosen is my children. who could second guess that? what kind of mother even thinks about what it might of been like if she'd refused to accept a ride on somebody else's destiny. maybe that's all i'm good for.
i can't stand the compromises. i can't face myself knowing that i have only been able to do a smidge of what i had dreamed of doing and that time is runing out and i now have to go quietly to a new destiny that is not, at all, one of my choosing.

putting my foot down, as i do daily, is ripping the famiily apart. but how can i not feel scammed when i sense deeply that the man in my life is cashing in on all that struggle, so that he can buy a bungalow in texas, a place i am for some reason, savagely against living in. a life without inspiration.

to say no, is to tear my family apart. to say yes, is to lose myself to compromise all over again. at this late date, i hardly have a choice.

i feel dead.

grateful day

ok. quick. 5 things:

1. 3 beautiful kids, who are healthy, considerate and without behavioral problems.
2.
3. that my mom is cool and celebrated her 61st b-day at a local bar, jamming on the djembe with the band.
4. that i have kick-ass genes and will undoubtedly be able to get more than over this most terrifying time in life. and probably do more cool stuff that is floating around in the universe of endless possibilities.
5. that i have been given the ability to feel shivers and no matter how jaded i get, there are still lots of little things that give me shivers.

where i hide

an update from the bitchy little fairy:

having had enough of myself, relief was found in the burying of said self in matters of fun and merriment. such as, attempting to coerce a committee into defining a budget for an event that they hold every year. and this year in style, as it is i, who has been nominated to organise it. i have also been nominated v.p. since vp. is a nice thing to have on your cv, i will accept. even if it means having to run the club from debter's prison. as a result of all this free labour i have supplied, suddenly i feel quite motivated to seek out activites which actually pay.

results:

have contacted several events companies, one tv station, 2 production comapnies, 3 training facilities and 1 corporate coach

conclusion

should i not get hired on monday for the next palsy-walsy film, (who ME? attitude?) i shall trash the buffet at their anniversary gala, which i have, at least, been invited to

in this event, a flier will go out to all those desparate mamma's trying to get their kids' calendar filled , advertising after school bi-lingual crafts programme, at 20e's/headx25x8-supplies, i should still do ok.

will be enrolling in a subsidized Master's in Art Therapy

will pursue coaching option

will pursue trying to get some recent credit as a segment producer for local tv, having proposed to head their new life-styles and culture division (transferability)

nothing to lose = nothing to fear = just do it = succes = stymying my husband's plan to move us to , gulp, TEXAS

that's all folks

(thanks for asking)

m.i.a.

so last year at this time, things were pretty grim. and this year at this time, things have not changed. in one month if no progress is made, we put the house on the market. in 4 months, unemployment runs out. because we have to put our kids in private school, we are running a monthly deficit of about 1500 euros. Add it up, as the song says. and so in case you all are wondering why i am obnoxious right now, there you have it. because as you know,job seekers over 35 are good for nuttin. fact of life. because they have expences, because they know what they want. because they have no more illusions. because they want to be paid what they're worth and they know that the starting salary is peanuts and won't pay the bills. i am so bitter at the moment. and i want to scream bloody murder all over the goddamn place. i invested my future in this country to help build a film industry and i busted my balls, cause i was a girl with balls for a while, inhaled toxic substances, pedal to the medal to fill the orders and build someone else's dreams thinking, what goes around comes around but NO! what goes around gets to the end of the conveyor belt and drops off into the bin unless they wake up and look after their own ass in time... nearly lost a finger and totally lost my way while making way for the locals to move in and take over. so despite the glorious sunny day, the small triumphs of late, i feel like the walking dead. generation x takes on a whole new meaning. i don't know what the fuck to do.

venom from the garden snake

i hate my useless unemployed computer licking compulsive domestic chore doing dumb ass husband. i hate my useless futile repetitive impotent insignificant fucked up and useless life. i hate this fuckin country that stole 20 years from me.fuck off world. fuckers. every one of them. waste of time. do you hear me universe? fuck the goddamn economy and all you diploma weilding cogs in the ever devouring machine of productivity. and all you mafia bastards too. and religious fanatics. and fuck monster.lu. and fuck the bank. i'm going to key every 75000 euro bmw/mercedes/audi/vw/lexus i see in the school parking lot tomorrow. it's goin to feel good.