In a nutshell ( or is it a pumpkin shell?)

VH! You're right and my mom says that too. My heart has an unruley habit of freezing over and then completely melting and then freezing over...which the armchair psychologist in me knows is a protective mechanism that needs retraining. but i think they all know i love'em in my own bi-polar way.

we're in europe because i was an exchange student who dawdled a little too long. actually, when i did go back i just couldn't find my niche and saw more opportunity, and fun, and a certain french man (long since my ex) back in europe. this was true for a while, but once i'd sussed it out and realized nobody got me here, i was pregnant. and made my decisions in consequence from then on.
so, i've tried to juggle situations like motherhood, being alone, a desire to live differently, my addiction to the rythms of the film industry (work hard, play hard, take lots of in between time), a need for cultural diversity and the question am i going to actually get old here?

eventually i married a prince charming (joke), a truely nice guy, and the result was that although we've always been a little borderline poverty level, we'd managed to scrape together quite a nice life on many levels. i knew however, that the golden days of cinema were probably numbered and have always carried the fear of the eventual demise of a 15 year effort...the bottom fell out last june when the company that my husband worked for could no longer pay him, and was officialised mid-november with a bankruptcy...i dont' blame the company as they did their best to fight the effects of a combination of factors: bad business parters who did not honor a bank certified promise for approx. 5 million dallars, landing them with all the bills, the dollar versus euro factor, the competiotion from the eastern countries...

so, i , an obstinate, anti-social capricorn, must get used to the idea of taking another great leap of faith into the unknown. and in order to survive i realise also that i need to catch up on 20 years of living with my head in the sand and educate myself as to the ways (and politics) of the "real" world.

now i weigh the positives and the negatives of moving back to north america and how that will effect my kids who so far have been sheltered from mass consumerism, ethnocentricity, bill boards, peer pressure, bible banging, blatent sexual promiscuity and fanatical patriotism...in a word, i feel a bit threatened...comes through in my writing, huh?

Anyways thanks VH and ViewFinder for your thoughts and interest!

Me

well yesterday was high on the neurotic indicator.

boredom at retracing the same tracks day in day out and nothing new along the way. nothing that will get us out of this slippery toilette bowl of a situation.

one by one the single, childless, colleagues seep into surrounding countries, finding work in Germany, a little in France, a little in England...it's a ghostland for those who are obligated to stay until opportunity throws them a major something. three kids and a custody battle don't make for easy nomadic living.

so i am the queen of frustration...waiting ashamed until my husband gets his golden opportunity and (foolishly?) placing all my bets on his career (like a wuss). hoping that the few applications i've sent out don't put me in a place where i have to say, thanks for the great job offer but my husband has received a better one...

i get knocked down but i get up again...

Well i suppose i should delete that little outburst. But not yet. I'm still pissed at being oggled by those googly eyes first thing in the morning.

and i was all ready to blog about something completely different, which was wiped right out of my mind. so i wrote it a little later. and my netscape page froze so i couldn't publish the blog. it was all about meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

notice the echo. that is because life is very empty at the moment. and so am i.

except for the RAGE and FRUSTRATION i feel at having wasted nearly 20 years in europe to have my dreams dissolve and my world fall apart because of some dishonest dickhead producers who would rather wipe out an industry than cough up the cash. or at least that's what i'm told. i don't believe anything anymore.

btw: in case that last bit of word flinging tempts anyone to label me as an infidel, or a loose canon,i am not. i am a discreet, hardworking, dedicated individual who knows how to get things done and can't stand people taking advantage of this...if i grieve it is not for nothing.

and i am sick of swallowing it.

First thing in the morning crap

My netscape homepage thingy has this pop-up with big googly eyeballs saying, Are you being watched? I supposed this is in reference to Big Brother Bush. Well he can BITE ME. Snoop all you want fuckers. I was a heretic the first time you burned me AND I'M STILL A HERETIC NOW!!!!!!!!!! And I'm praying hard for the demise of your paternalistic, status quo, god on our side, machination you call a government. And I refuse to succumb to that paranoia you inject your people with to make them NEED their Big Brother, ie through media, or pumping through loudspeakers at the airport. And to think I married a republican. Which, being consciously a-political, and a fool, I did not discover until 2 yrs after the marriage. No further comment.
Well I'm not much of a political commentator. But VirusHead is. I'll go read her.

The mold guy is coming. Toxicity in the bedroom. Not a joke. Some strange unbearable fuel-like odor that can't be healthy. VOC's, like fromalgehyde. Bad for you. So because we really got along the last time, when we succesfully detected nasty black mold known as stachybotris atra, he's rushing out here at 8 am to try and idendify this damn smell. I think now that it is just something melting down inside our electric heater...probably not good either. He's here.

Nope. Not VOC's. Burnt dust. But still...

On another vein, a need to express this. I am a bad mommy.
Not because I'm terrible but for some reason i have cut myself off emotionally from my middle daughter. This is not her fault. It started when I found out I was pregnant again and she was only six months old. All of a sudden I started to mourn our special relationship, knowing that I would soon be overwhelmed by another new baby. Despite my consciousness of this, I have remained emotionally cut off from her. She is only six and I am painfully aware of how fast the years slip by. So I cast this to the universe and vow to slow my day down and show my love for this little girl who had to become a big sister far too soon.

Hope
Guardian of Fire

There is a universal fire that burns in everything, in the hearts of all beings, made of starfire itself. To guard that lifeforce within you is a sacred task. To cherish its flame is to tend the inner temple fire. One word for this fire is hope. You may have been faced with challenges lately that threaten this fire, or perhaps those near you are feeling their own hope wavering. Hold your hands over your heart, and feel the glow... then radiate it outward to those in need.

Copyright Lunaea Weatherstone. All rights reserved.

Find the Mistakes-2nd draft

avoidance has been the theme lately. so i'll update. and apoplogize for not capitalizing or using the conventional punctuation-spelling-grammar. i've lost it. so apart from moping because i'm now 39 and it's yet to reveal it's plus side to me, what else...

Monday: can't remember

Tuesday: my b-day - moped, picked fight with husband for not having a job yet and not updating me and not showing any sign of growing some teeth, picked up kids, drove'm to karate, waited an hr in the car for eldest, drove home. Total 4 hrs in car. returned to find husband preparing lovely lamb dinner and chocolate birthday cake from scratch with delicious cream cheese frosting, from scrath, which we kidded him looked like mashed potatoes. But it was so nice. he even decorated the cake with real flowers. and presents: an eye-toy work out programme so i can get my butt in shape.
Ok. Problem.That was last week. OMG. well i am obviously lost in the space-time-continuum somewhere.nothing new. So, in fact, Tues. was same only without birthday as that happened last week.

Wed: scintigraphie, dont know the term in english. it's where they shoot you up with radioactive iodine and take pictures of your thyroid. i was very nervous because i thought my thyroid was giving me alot of trouble (weight gain, fatigue, depression, etc) well the doc says, So what makes you think you have a thyroid problem?...duh, only all the other doctors who've looked at it over the last 7 years...she sent me off assuring me that in the 200000 thyroids she's observed, the tiny nodules (i know for a fact there's one almost 2 cm diametre) are not a problem, could not be the source of my complaints, and i should see a shrink. i left completely flattened and feeling like i'd made the whoole thing up.
So i went SHOPPING. and after 30 min. in Zara where everything was marked down 50% , i was a new woman. am damn proud of my bargoons, too. as i am a bit chunky at the moment, i managed not to fixate on this but rather, bought lots of great sweaters in rich colours like turquoise and bordeaux and lime green, and i swear i have a new wardrobe for only 140 bucks. i should be a personal shopper.

Thurs: ex-boyfriend dropped by to say hello in a.m. and regail me with stories about his first construction job and the toppling cranes. Sounds like there's a certain Hilton hotel which is very badly built...Then i dyed my hair a vibrant red and hung my new wardobe up in the closet after doing myself a little fashion show and feeling like i've finally accomplished something this year. Shopping does it for me. i've totally lost my sex drive but the shopping urge is still alive and kicking.

Fri: i sit here. paruse the blogs of others. and try. to write. something. it's like pulling teeth. but i did it. three pats on the back for the intellectually constipated old lady. i shall now go do my kundalini yoga video and chase out the last of those nasty self-depricating vibes for the day. ohm...

Sites for today

http://www.lifehack.org/

http://to-done.com/

And this

Inspiration
3 of Fire

Here we see a line of young ballerinas, devotedly learning their art, committed to their chosen dance. But bursting onstage comes another dancer, an African dancer, leaping joyously into the air. He expresses the power of life and the variety of creative expression. Seeing him, the ballerinas are inspired in ways they never dreamed. Whether they follow his example or not, their dance will take on a fire, and their lives will never be the same, for they are now alive with possibility. Stay open to unexpected inspiration...

Copyright Lunaea Weatherstone. All rights reserved.

From Lunaea

Tenderness
Queen of Water

"Now she understood why some women prefer influence to rights..." Holding her happy baby, serenely blissful herself, this Queen beholds you with the eyes of tenderest love, offering her pearls of wisdom gently, from the depths of her moonlit sea of grace. Her ways are the ways of women's intuition, subtle persuasion and compromise. Take her into your heart, and make your world a more tender place...

Copyright Lunaea Weatherstone. All rights reserved.

while i blog

i cook

i drink coffee

i gaze out the window

i surf

i delete alot

i gaze deeply into that cute little belly button of mine

i wonder when i will quit procrastinating and do something useful

i read other peoples' blogs and get all speechless

i wonder just what midddle age means in this day and age because until last year when a co-worker of my own age stated that she was now middle aged and i thought huh?, it never crossed my mind...that was until she poisoned me with her retirement plans...

fuck middle age

i'm too cool for that

middle age is for people who like to identify with society's buy a toy and make it feel better plot to spoil the world

I AM ALIVE until the day i die

and when i am old i will still enjoy thrashing around to the Violent Femmes

and the really intense and sexy moments in life like eating FOie Gras Poilée with Yummy Confit d'Onions and downing an excellent bottle of wine

or rooting arounnd in the salvage yard and finding just the right junk

Divining

Opened a book and out jumped this:

"Stop telling yourself,"It's too late."

Ironic that the pages in this treasure trove of wisdom have yellowed since I last visited.
And yet, it's NOT too late...

10 points if you can tell me where this quote is from....

A Propos

O! That Gnome Trickster. Creative chaos. Wild gifts. Breaking habits and patterns.

Starter Reading: It's time to leap into the air, letting the earth turn beneath you, and discover where you come down again. Reasonable risks are OK. Even unreasonable risks are probably OK. Use your head and look before you leap, of course, but do so understanding that the actual jump is likely to be very rewarding. No guarantees, but then there never really are anyway, no matter how pretty the paper they may seem to be printed on and the scroll work around the edge. In a reading, the presence of That Gnome tells us that the forces of chaos are at work. Things may not be as they seem, and this may very well be a good thing. Look for the unexpected, find the opportunity in it, and go for it. He says that, no matter how confused things may seem, there is a way to make them better--but it is a creative way, one you haven't tried before. He says, 'Think amazing new thoughts!'

Want to hear more wisdom and insight from the Faeries? THE FAERIES' ORACLE contains all 66 faerie cards with a book featuring an introduction by Brian Froud and full descriptions and comprehensive instructions for use of the cards by Jessica Macbeth. Bring the faeries into your daily life: Purchase THE FAERIES' ORACLE today from Amazon.com.

It's my birthday andi feel like crap.

Except that a friend called last night with talk of another job. It was more the talk than the job that got me clinging to my European past again. I'm still not 100% sure if the devil you know is not better than the devil you kind of knew a long time ago...I would certainly miss that mad scientist friend and all the crazy things we've done...building space ships large and small, making torches to burn in medieval castles, making amazing things out of junk. Garlic spagetti, long hours, cold hands, dust, fumes, extra strong coffee, and that sparkle that i have only seen in the eyes of my fellow magicians while making something out of nothing...this i will regret.

Back to school!...Psych!

Got the xmas tree down today, hurray! Usaully goes around the 3rd but the kids started school a week later this year. We were amazed at how well the tree held up considerering none of the water we gave it actually went into the pot. It seems there is no drainage hole in our contraption which would allow the tree to actually get the water. Anyways it looked a bit like pot pourri but still quite pretty.

Only a couple of my to do's got done today as the girls both came down with stomach flu yesterday and only the Little Guy who's had it 3 times this year, got to go to school. So much for the cleaning frenzy I had planned.However, I am very proud as today I managed to go without a single solitary cup of coffee. But God I want it...

Something encouraging is happening to my teenager. She told me she was very bummed out at coming back to grumpy, serious Europe after our holidays this summer. She is shocked at the attitude over here and thinks she would enjoy living in a place which is not snobby and gruff. This unsolicited remark has relieved me of a couple of things a) worry that we'll have to move and she'll be devistated b) that she, who has been brought up mostly French and attended snobby French private school, has no ability to appreciate her mother's North American culture. (Which Europe loves to bash, and bash and bash. Unabashedly.) So going home is starting to feel kind of like an execiting opportunity rather than an admission of defeat.

Mirror, Mirror, On the Internet...

Global Personality Test Results

Stability (43%) moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious. Orderliness (46%) medium which suggests you are moderately organized, hard working, and reliable while still remaining flexible, efficient, and fun. Extraversion (60%) moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

Take Free Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

expressive, open, self revealing, loves large parties, loud, social, outgoing, does not like social isolation, assertive, social chameleon, positive, always busy, likes to fit in, likes to stand out, enjoys leadership, brutally honest, trusting, optimistic, desires attention, dominant, aggressive, attachment prone, wants to be understood, realistic

INFP - "Questor". High capacity for caring. Emotional face to the world. High sense of honor derived from internal values. 4.4% of total population.

Free Jung Personality Test (similar to Myers-Briggs/MBTI)

You scored as introverted and intellectually curious. I recently started a discussion forum for introverted intellectuals, if interested visit introspectives.org

Young Talent

http://artpad.art.com/?iso90lqe40g
http://artpad.art.com/?iso9lm1lnanc
http://artpad.art.com/?isof901a6n0k

Apparently it is not ok to lock the cat in your 14 yr old's bedroom at 11am. Ca ne se fait pas.

One day away from the birthdays of my first and last born. Yes, that's two on the same day. And mine's next week. Choke. We are the House Of Capricorn. We Rule. Yep, 3 Caps, a Taurus and a Scorpion. What a menagerie.

We are all partied out however. And broke - did i mention? But still, will muster 2 parties and a family day where we shall attempt to see Narnia and pray it doesn't terrorize my 5 and 6 years olds the way Harry P. did.

For my birthday all i ask is my health. And about 100,000 dollars. Wait, make it a million.

Health because i'm worried. Thyroid. Fat for no reason. Very unfair.
Money because the unemployment$ still has not kicked in after 7 months of no pay. That's why they call us starving artists. Now, i could expand on this but the Critic tells me that would be reverting back to whiny blog habits and no one likes a whiner. So i will attempt to draw upon my experience in a constructive way without the whahwhahwhah. Difficult.

As the song goes, "I get knocked down, but i get up again..."

This year i am gonna rock, baby!

Jan 1

Ready, Set Go! Type typetypetypetypetype....oh yeah. Content.

Let's see...

New Years Resolutions:
1) drink less coffee
2) follow through on ideas
3) get in shape
4) make lots of money
5) nurture my children
6) nurture my self
7) ____ my husband
8) make lots of money
9) drink more coffee
10) make some money

God this is hard. Basically my mind is bucking the whole effort thing. Reynoyds has stiffened my little fingers and sloth has stiffened my mind. Chilluns are watching the tube. Husband is sanding plaster. I am preparing mentally to paint hall. No special new years plans here. Except to cover up that ugly plasterboard for once and for all. (on hold 3 years )

Well, that's not quite all. I am more than toying with the idea of shooting a pilot for a cultural spotlight on the country. No one else is doing it. Would be fun. 30 minutes/week. Interviews, reports, agenda. Also want to put together a sort of local diy/hgtv type thing, motivated by the desire for free gardening services...blahdblahdblah...

Must move it this year.