Filler' Up

Taking stock of things I realize I have not been all that faithful to myself. This is partially out of laziness partially out of denial, and then there's just life which makes you do things that you didn't plan and apparently happens while you're busy making plans. That's what I'm told. For instance, I set up this blog. Title : ranting from beyond. It's accurate. I rant. I do it from Europe, where I have lived for almost half my life and yet it still feels otherworldly. The permanent vacation. Meaning, some day I may go home. ? But that's not the point. I can deal with that. It's the Act of Defiance. Where is the Act? Yeah, the whole thing started out with the intention of shaking off my Inner Critic and filling a little page space. This I have achieved. Lots of filler. This too is filler. Sometimes I really think life is just filler. Christmas presents make great filler. We're about to fill a whole room with them. But it will be really worthwhile because of how excited the kids are and how nice to be able to create a little magic with some twinkly lights and red ribbon. But what I would really lke for Christmas is a little inspiration. The spark is here but I need to give it some kindling. Then again, who am I kidding? This is me. I am heavy. Not funny. Not positive. I am dark and negative and unfunny. But from here in the dark, light is so much more beautiful. So I guess I'll just go on with lots of the same until the same is somehow different. Is it that habit of standing back to truly appreciate a good painting? I also like to get right up close. Experience the intimacy of those brush strokes. I need to get up close. And maybe I'll just let myself off the hook. Maybe I don't have to be great. MAYBE I should just stop worrying about results completely. Yes. That feels better. So what if this blog is not so entertaining or even all that welcoming. So what? Today I let myself off the hook.