actually, happy samhain.

the theme for today is nar-ciss-ism.

she who whines incessantly

this is totally against my rules. any self respecting blogger should rely solely on the purity of language. so, in the spirit of not being afraid i look you in the eye (from behind my racoon mask) and show you the face of a ninny who complains too much. maybe this will make me think twice before writing crap. or maybe i'll pull the pic in a very short time. likely.

lyricsdownload.com

must go outside and take pictures of nature.

so. for about a month now i have been looking at the emails on my dh's computer and trying to stay (get) informed about what he actually achieves in the many hours he sits in that hovel wanking off. i do not get updates without hounding for them and this has become yet another way for him to suck my energy. so i check the emails. not much happening. he may have another account i don't see, i'm not snooping that profoundly. yet. so when i turn it on this am he has conveniently left on the screen, a cost of living calculator comparing his ultimate destination (texas) to my compromise destinantion (new england). an ugly house listing for 284,000 in my area of choice. and a wonderful article about his wonderful place of choice. manipulative sob. i hate him two shades deeper today. hate him. fucking bovine. how can you not get that a canadian who has lived in europe half her life does not percieve the US as a great place to end up. Let ALONE TEXAS. he should have married that cheerleader back home. yet another man who does not love ME for ME. yet another woman who gives up her power to the fairy tale nightmare. handsome prince my ass. i am not a trophy wife. i will not go quietly. i will not be lulled into another wrong direction. i am going to ahve to cut him out of this equation. chanting: do it do it do it

oh my god what is wrong with me

The only people i trust anymore are my kids. My hub seems to be totally out to lunch. He refuses to apply for jobs in California or Toronto. my cv won't carry us. so, since we need a landing pad, i've decided to go home to mom and dad. shame. loathing of male influence in life. When i ease up, i hate myself for being duped and when i'm on his case i hate myself for being an evil banshee. Swear to god. can't win. many times i have had to fight the impulse to terminate this deal. that said i don't know if it would be to my advantage if i keep trying and things fall apart in the US. custody favoring paternity these days and all. i as an unemployed foreigner would not be in a favorable position. maybe that's why he's ruling out canada. see where my mind is ?! not healthy. or is it...

fingers unleashed

it has become increasingly apparent that you are not motivated to get a real job. in fact i am informed by a most reliable source that there is little to no brain activity in the sector. a final warning is now being issued and if the deadline is not respected you will automatically self-destruct. - the critic

ok. fuck. you want to know the truth?! what i want. i want to hang out with david lynch. that's what i want. i am defining one goal and that is it. hang out with david lynch. i want to paint with him by his pool.

i do not want to work for any fucking financial company, in marketing or as a pa or as anything else. i want to get paid to glue buttons and foam and connect miles of blinky lights all the while knowing that soon it'll all be in the trash. i do not want to join the real world. it is bullshit. call me a coward. call me a rebel. whatever.

i want creative control. i want to get little jolts of electricity from exchanging particles with very alive people. i want to talk to david lynch about that place in between. i dont want to work in a bank.

fuck banking.fuck the suit people. fuck selling. fuck product. fuck consumer confidence. fuck giving up who you are to become "a professional".

and fuck writer's block.

sent off another 10 resumes in 24 hrs. get ready to lie and shake hands and smile.

i need to get out of this town.

Mist is your magical symbol. Mist is a very mysterious and dreamy element, which can often turn the mind fairly philosophical. Mist is highly intriguing and is noted as, sort of, a rare sight. Much like a rainbow. Seen a lot, but hardly enough. Mist brings about a sense of magic through its appearance as it glides across the earth in such a gentle, ghostly manner. And even as it does so, it doesn't seem to lessen in it's creative, wispy thickness or size. It's always there, moving and working, so unknown, and yet so wanted. Just like magic.

Happy quizilling,

Goddess
Quizilla CodePaste. Take it with you!

rain.

leaves falling.

wind blowing.

nothing to say.

off sound: door slamming

to all my friends and lovers

i dont give a fuck

today is thing 1's birthday. lucky seven.
french toast and flowers.
playground
presents
cake and candles
and this week we get the ears pierced. and some alone with mom time.
temp es fugate

colour pattern texture form

Prophetic Words From 1987

I will scale the brooding face of this God
Like a creeping vine I shall live by inches
Praying that no shifting wind should inspire a sigh
Sending showers of boulders to wash away our familiarity

Hailstorms are his teardrops

The shale slides away
Downwards I plummit
Helplessly I plead with the summit

Nature is an Indian Giver echoes in my ears

But an edge evolves and I am cradled on a pouting lip
This child reborn gazes up
With the taste of blood on her tongue
She screams
I will

snyder's of hanover jalapeno pretzel pieces are blowing my diet.

a very interesting job in a very interesting place has been applied for. a perfect fit. for him. and me. i will be praying for this. i can accept this change. i will even say, i want it to happen. i am for it. it's time.

state of things.

- unemployed
- husband. unemployed
- event went well. dbled usual attendance. tripled usual quality. budget tight. may have gone over.meet and greet didn't keep track of walk-ins. may have some dine and dash.
- have realised i am near to cutting my dh loose as i can not be his mother.
- many friends have now recognised i am not being unduely hard on dh
- if must leave home, will rent not sell it.
- if must leave home will squat parents for 6 months.
- will get job.
- dh may do whatever the fuck he wants i'll get on without him.
- i must be careful not to let extreme stress take over and see everyone/thing through paranoid glasses
- i am actively protecting my children from our stress as of three weeks now. they are happier.
- my 7 yr old daughter gave me money the other day to "pay for her birthday party".sigh
- my 5/12 yr old son gives me 2 spontaneous "i love you mommy", hugs/day.
- my 14 yr old tells me she is on board no matter what happens and she will face it with a positive attitude. quote.
- i am a lucky mummy

my home town has just approved the demolition of it's last remaining bastion of quaintness and history. this is authentic quaintness, not the disney type. down it goes. lockdown on the lakefront. what has been enjoyed by the public for almost 200 years is now to disappear. privatized. private beachfront and 20 stories for the $400,000+ condo cast. sick.stupid. outrageously arrogant. you know the song "Lakeside Park"? bye bye.

i want chocolate

osmebody has been messing with my internal alarm clock. it is not right to wake up at 2:30 in the morning. i went to bed early specifically to fight the effects of not going to bed until 2:oo and here i am. just finished the rest of my valerian stash and it better work because boy am i awake. i wonder if i am becoming my nana. all high strung and never asleep until 3 am. she was an excellent painter. i'll have to use all this free time for something other than mulling over everything that passes through my mind, over and over and over as i lie in bed trying to get back to sleep. blogging will have to do fro now.

mind junk:

saturday's dinner party - twice the expected turnout
sound - two rooms, one sound system...does he have a cordless mike
should i rent a disco ball
should i bother to get the dry ice - will the kids freeze themselves to it
icebreaker - will we have time for it
kids - will they behave and have fun with the babysitter while we eat in peace
kids -
deco - nails, tacks, black tack (grey would be better), tape
must go to resto tomorrow and get floor plan figured out,
costume judgeing - applaud-o-metre, is it really a nice thing to do to a 4 yr old?
pie contest- where to put them
speeches...TiMING
dinner...TIming
float...must get another
must pay for dinner...that's right, i am doing all this AND paying 100 bucks to attend
any more loose thoughts want to jump on here do it now...
assign person to do candy bags
get helper to do applaud-o-metre
type up a time-table/update for committe and volunteers

get a job


that should cover it for the moment

i will be going as queen of the damned

sunday morning
coffee
pancakes
bacon
chilly floors
forts in the living room
lying in bed
staring out the window at the trees

ne regarde pas la vie dans le retroviseur

MONSTER

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motivational speech of the day

why do i need somebody to hold my hand? you'd think i would have caught on by now that there's no one out there that is going to flank me and provide the same sort of support that i have dished out in the past. i am not going to get over this. i do not know where to go. i can't save us. i will have to return from this long journey covered in dishonour. i am one of those useless playthings that poeple are attracted to for 5 seconds and then forget. my life has been a waste. i am a failure. i can't pull us out of this nose dive.

well. full points for stupid and desperate. why? just impulsively gave my credit card number to a subscritption service which lists crap surveys you can do to make instant cash. why did i do this? why why why? stupid. stupid. stupid.

now my mailbox is going to full of crap and i'm out 35 bucks. ugh. LOSER.