how can i be saying all this crap to perfect strangers? i must be nuts. people in Chile and egypt who must think i'm a whorey westerner. god. maybe i should pull this thing. is it bad to blog about your life? i don't show pictures, maybe it's just unsafe altogether. i feel like i am standing naked and exposed and for sale. maybe online journaling is just too voyeuuristic to be ok. thoughts, anyone?

as blue sky fades to grey, i feel better about having overbooked my day

meeting at 10
lunch at 12
meeting at 4
sleepover party

that should keep my thoughts productive

still feeling that hangover btw

it is really a glorious morning actually. blue sky kissed with gold as the sun rises.birds chirping the morning song. green, green, green. run naked with me through the trees?

and i miss my Evil Genious sooooooooooooooo much.

a very busy man he is indeed. this time on camera as the noble King Arthur. love to watch as he unsheathes his weapon. an excellent swinger of the broad sword is he and not bad at all with the staff. can't wait to smack broomsticks with him soon.

(medieval club, to all you who may misconstrue)

there's this strange lump in my bed

a brrief update...

been volunteering my time and expertise to a local club who's executive seems to need some seminars on how to simplify their lives. yes. it is me saying this. it's good to know that gainfully employed individuals can have slightly muddled ways of doing things. there is hope for the butterfly. we should be having a fun and less expensive picnic this year and who knows, maybe this will spur my dumbass husband into action.

on the topic i have been very busy in my nocturnal fantasy life and had three very satisfactory dreamscape affairs in the last week. and for good cause.
i mean, the man weed-whacked a beautiful spread of lily of the valley that was growing in the back. a very impressive extensive and highly rare crop of these seasonal flower that signify GOOD LUCK and PROSPERITY. i-d-i-o-t. did he whack the overgrown grass in the front borders? nah-uh. or clean the maggots out of the bbq? or sort out the tools? or burn the 3 meter high pile of offcuts from pruning? or install the damn sink that's been on the floor for 2 weeks? no time for that. gotta go anhilate that nasty, scary patch of flowers that are about to open in uncontained glory and perfume the entire backyard with their offensive flower smell.

how can i not not feel excited about my future with this person, who, for instance, sees no harm in allowing coorporations to control our water. who is this guy? why am i only finding out about this conservatism and bovine personality and lack of common sense 5 years into the marriage? dumb girl. checks and balances. i'll tell you, there's going to be some checks and balances in this Texas-EuroCanuck trade agreement. no more sex. FOREVER. i shall be keeping my natural resources to MYSELF. and my nightly visitors.

will it ever be right again? (not with that attitude young lady. The Critic)

so this is how i start my day...

good, good, good, good vibrations....

oh my aching head. oh my aching body. free drinks and boogie until dawn. a great night.

ok. whoever it is that keeps coming to me from a kiddie porn url in sunny california should fuck off.

but i do believe that the promos for CSI and others of the same death-is-sexy-get -the-bad-guy genre should be seriously censored.

and turn off your goddamn television

all this talk about censureship. pisses me off. over here, when an american tourist walks off a cliff because there was no fence, people say they got what was coming to them. teach kids to censure their own material. teach them to swim early. to build a fire. teach them first aid. teach them how to eat healthy and make good choices. teach them to enjoy silence. and ask questions. and keep asking questions. teach them to despise addictive behavior and when to recognise a pimp. stop chewing their food for them, don't give them guns to play with and talk about sex as openly and freely as they will let you. get real people. hell is what you make it.

Which Tarot Card Are You?

You are the Fool card. The Fool fearlessly begins the journey into the unknown. To do this, he does not regard the world he knows as firm and fixed. He has a seemingly reckless disregard for obstacles. In the Ryder-Waite deck, he is seen stepping off a cliff with his gaze on the sky, and a rainbow is there to catch him. In order to explore and expand, one must disregard convention and conformity. Those in the throes of convention look at the unconventional, non-conformist personality and think What a fool. They lack the point of view to understand The Fool's actions. But The Fool has roots in tradition as one who is closest to the spirit world. In many tribal cultures, those born with strange and unusual character traits were held in awe. Shamans were people who could see visions and go on journeys that we now label hallucinations and schizophrenia. Those with physical differences had experience and knowledge that the average person could not understand. The Fool is God. The number of the card is zero, which when drawn is a perfect circle. This circle represents both emptiness and infinity. The Fool is not shackled by mountains and valleys or by his physical body. He does not accept the appearance of cliff and air as being distinct or real. Image from: Mary DeLave http://www.marydelave.com/
Take this quiz!








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you could also say, buen journo, gutten tag, hello, ola...

in Europe it is considered impolite to enter unannounced. a simple nod will do but it is much better to say "bonjour, messieurs et dames". Upon which there will be a reply,"bonjour". it's polite. it makes one feel less insignificant.

but they're otherwise not so chatty to tell you the truth.

when i was much much younger but not that young, i used to believe there was a man who stalked me from the spirit world. (yeah. it's more corniness.)

i first saw it when i was about 9. it woke me with that feeling that someone was watching. there, at the end of the hall, a large white figure fading in and out. it seemed to gesture and be speaking loudly but i couldn't hear. all i could do was turn my light on, hide under the covers and scream. didn't go away that easily. not until my mom put her foot out her door.

creeping myself out. i like to keep that mental door shut.

had other waking dreams. other moments of extreme discomfort at being watched closely. of hugely muscular arms crashing furniture on my head while i slept. not nice.

in my last year of high school i went to see a card reader. she told me i would be leaving town and once i had started my journey i would not retrace my steps. yep.
she also said there was this intense dark man waiting for me. freaky. well maybe that was JohnnyBeautiful. he was my intense dark horse for a few years.loved JohnnyB.maybe it was johnny.


finally when i arrived in europe and saw the charred hands gripping the windowsill of my 5th story medieval apartment i said, this has to stop. if i was going to live in europe i didn't want any more of that sort of invasive historical reenactment making me nuts. so i turned it off.

and shouldn't be reviving it now.

but i'm lonely and sometimes i wonder

tortured spirit wanders the night.

can't think. can't stop thinking.

what if what if what if what next who cares

too late baby

might as well shoot yourself there's no room on the arc

can't. got a family to raise

got dreams

got a fuckin right like everyone else

got a huge debt

got a honking maternal leave for a resume



lurking doom you're blocking my fucking sun move away

A beautiful spring weekend. gardening til you cant stand up straight. oh the benefits of hard labour are untold for a cranky old bitch like me.some kind of scarecrow. got dirt under my nails, hair like medusa, sunburn, crease between the eyes looking more and more like the grand canyon and i am happy. planting potatoes, my life's calling. purple potatoes.

other news. projectile vomiting back to school event is under way. always, always, one of them gets stomach flu two days before school starts. weird. pooor little sweetiepie. but she's a trooper and does not mind at all. well maybe a little. get better kiddo. we have a garden to plant.
tomorrow i get back into a workout routine. get the agnst under control. people with my ability to brood should not be allowed to veg. therefore, i will/intend to/am gonna take responsibility for my energy and channel it. the new spring plan.

also, will be paying a phone reimbursement visit to work tomorrow and plan to stick a resume under the PM's nose so we can be fully acquainted and make no more bad deals. also plan to get some career advice from the designer.(who is a woman, with small kids too) cause i need all the direction i can get right now. wish i had taken a few pics along the way. always too close to see the big picture. always too traumatised by fucking money problems and such. ah-ah-ah no more complaining!

and. big girl's back from daddy's. bringing me some sunshine and a recording of Nora Jones at 13, singing Somewhere Over the Rainbow. wish i could play it for you. wish. wish wish wish. she's my sunshine. want to make her proud. don't know what to do next. but will not show her my confusion. the show must go on. i am a power woman. etc etc.

and i love spring.

when i grow up i want to be the wind. and carry songs and butterflies in my caress. and blow your house down if you're bad.
and solve your energy problems if you're good.

sigh.

to the garden!

time for a change.

things i've been neglecting:

kids
art
home
self
spouse

time to wake up

time to let life in

time to spring clean

i hearby promise to spend less time on the dark side

really

reall,really,really

Tree Hugger

it's one of those days when i've woken up with vertigo. feeling like a cat stuck way up a tree wondering how the hell i am going to get down. how the hell i got up in the first place. it's a commun occurance for me. every five years or so since i was about 19 i would suddenly just freeze. and then i would climb up a few more branches. which means that by now i am pretty goddam high up this tree and swinging back and forth in stomach churning abandon.

let go. says a voice.

letgoletgoletgoletgoletgo

i can't

i'll fall

it's damn lonely in this tree

Just murdered what might have been some perfectly good thoughts.

No! They were bad thoughts! Bad!

Morning in the Garden

i have just made my little boy's day! How did I do this? well, something very fascinating has re-entered our kitchen since the giant noisy espresso maker went on the fritz...a DRIP COFFEE MACHINE. this is truely fascinating. and as i fill the reservoir my little man yelps with joy and pulls up a stool to watch the whole drip coffee procedure. almost as cool as the whirlpool that magically appears when we empty the tub. joy.

I don't understand why ViewFinder has withdrawn from the conversational world. He is gone and it's too bad. That's all I have to say about it.

And today I had my hair done next to Micheal Caine. He knows his stuff. Finished early.

Since I look like Ann-Margret right now I'm gonna have myself a glass of wine and feel sexy.

Nope. Didn't bring the camera. Got it all in here. (points to head)

Since Easter is about renewal and hope and inspiration, I'm going to focus on that a little...

Here is a girl who's blog inspires me : http://mytopography.com/

through which i also discovered this:http://indigoleafmagazine.com/ae/

which has an article about my favorite album when i was a kid and which i think deserves to be rediscovered in a fairly urgent way...

...take my hand, come with me, where the children are free...

oh, boy. wasn't expecting to get noticed. not sure how i feel about it. like maybe i should just tidy up a little if i'm going to be having visitors. ah, never mind. it is what it is. welcome.

and

Happy Easter!

Your Quirk Factor: 68%

You're so quirky, it's hard for you to tell the difference between quirky and normal. No doubt about it, there's little about you that's "normal" or "average."

How Quirky Are You?

The Personal Is Political

Today I am feeling political. Hence new links. I, however will continue to write about my own trivial life and musings. Leave the important stuff to the professonals.

"So No One Told You Life Was Gonna Be This Way..."

and i went out for chinese with the Rembrandts (guys who sing "Friends" theme) in a big white stretch Limo that could barely fit in the tiny French streets and i wondered if we would get wedged in and why we didn't just walk there...later they came back to our apartment for whyskey sour's and that's about all i can remember. taking photos or writing it down didn't even occur to me. silly me. i think i may have a guitar pick somewhere. it was flourescent yellow.

did i ever mention that once my life was glamourous and i have personally interviewed Joe Strummer, A-Ha, Suzanne Vega and a bunch of french pop stars none of you would know?

just thought i'd toss it out there.

a fleeting memory.

i let all the footage rot in my garage.

totally inspired. i am going to switzerland.

http://www.persoenlich.com/mpg/ST_WM2006.mpg

i know. i am being weak. and mean. and honest.

Keep It Still, There is No Problem

Let Me Just Get My Scissors

I know it's bad to talk mean about your husband and all but...
For twenty years i have tried to find my balance in a foreign environment. the thought of going back to NA now, into more uncertainty, more who am i? can i make it? will i be able to provide the same things for my kids? how will they react to the evils of billboard society? how will i? and more and more...questions that shake my foundation and threaten me to the core. so i have shut down my heart. well, it shut itself down. it feels no sympathy for him, no desire, only distrust. i have told him if he forces us into a forced sale of this house, ( in a typical passive-agressive no action = no blame manoeuver) my only life's acheivement and safe place (kids don't count), i will leave him. i will not follow his vagueness into a nostalgic quest for what once was. i told him to get out, get a job, get a life, get a direction. then we'll see. he told me that in about ten years i'll be 50 and incomplete. he's a mind fuck and i despise him. (today)

i should stop there but i mean, cashing in on our home and living off the profits in some undefined place until Comfort Seeker has it figured out in a unilingual non-threatening (imagined) better world...NO. why don't i just turn a few tricks and we can live on that. get a job dude. get off the internet and get shaking those hands. or get out. (says the woman who just quit her job)

2 interviews in 8 months is not what i call trying.

4 am. GOOD MORNING! full moon and sleepless nights. just me and kitty enjoying the silence.

deleted a bunch of foulness just now. i give myself permission to be foul. but i like to make it disappear too. cleansing.

bitter sweet.

phone call from my dad. his little sister is going to die. it is not fair. i wish i was there to give him a hug. my aunt is too young to go now. not fair.

easter. flowers. rebirth.

reason 1: money. only netting 860 euros after putting in 15 10-14 hr days and working through lunch is demotivating if not downright illegal. 5 euros/hr net. i want to die. no. i want to live.

reason 2: dignity. being constantly told to do things which are wrong, is an old art department way of eliminating the competition.

so i don't see a future here any more.

in fact, i'm having a hard time seeing a future at all these days.

And So, Today, I Put An End To Slavery (I Quit)

SUMMARY
Blue, your responses indicate that you are very personable and capable of using either a persuasive style or a tone of direct command in your communications. When you deal with a concept, you look at its general makeup rather than its specific details. You are aggressive, highly competitive, independent, and need to see results. Your nonconformity leads you to be eager about finding new and better methods to accomplish your goals. While making quick decisions and taking risks, you do not hesitate to adopt strategies that might bend standard rules.

Communication Style
Blue, you are very direct, candid and fluent in your communication style, and you appreciate straightforward answers, based on reality, to your questions. You are very effective in your use of a commanding style rather than a persuasive one. You tend to get straight to the point.
Also, Blue, you respond to people with flexibility and open-mindedness. You relay a tone that is uninhibited, creative, and, at times, quite independent.

You express yourself straightforwardly and with candor. You are analytical and you like to be in control. You say exactly what you mean and prefer that others do the same. You are only interested in details if they relate directly to getting results, you readily adjust systems, and you might appear strongly critical of others without intending to do so.

Blue, you relate best to a team when it fits into your selected goals. You drive hard to get things done and, in doing so, may forget other's feelings and ignore their time restraints. You do not tolerate mediocrity readily. You are pleasant as long as results are being accomplished.

You push aggressively to get the job done, and prefer not to work under close supervision. You function well when given problems to solve, when allowed to make things happen, and when given specific goals. You are adept at handling technically oriented projects.


Leadership
Leadership Style: Authoritative
You perform your leadership role by assuming a tone of direct command, and you are concerned about how you come across to your people. You are inwardly directed and show a lot of self-confidence in your ability to accomplish projects through your people. You tend to take on additional responsibilities and may be disinclined to delegate authority. You make fast decisions, actively promote change, and always look for new ways of reaching goals.

Conscientiousness
You balance solid, goal-oriented achievement and a relaxed approach to life. You may fluctuate between periods of highly motivated, achievement-oriented activity and periods of more easy-going behavior. Alternatively, you may demonstrate a sustained, moderate level of effort toward your goals. While you may not demonstrate an intense desire for achievement for its own sake, you are able to summon a sense of purposefulness and self-discipline when needed. The level of your positive motivation toward achievement may depend on the task or situation.

Motivation
Motivation Needs:
Blue, you tend to be motivated by daily challenges and tangible results. Power, prestige, and rewards for results achieved are important to you. You prefer direct answers and candor in communication. You desire freedom from constant supervision, and control over your own environment. You are most productive when operating under strong, capable leadership, when allowed to make decisions regarding your daily routine, and when you have bottom line responsibility for business activities.

You are demotivated by the absence of challenges or significant goals. You can be frustrated when vague answers are given to direct questions, and when your day-to-day tasks are closely supervised. Vacillating leadership demotivates you, especially when it makes you unable to give straight answers to your co-workers or staff.
Primary Motivation:
• Daily challenges.
• Tangible results.
• A position with power and prestige.
• Direct answers and candor in communications.
• The respect of the leadership.
• A generous amount of freedom from controls, constant supervision and details.
• The ability to measure results on a regular basis in monetary terms, (keep score).
• Opportunities to be in charge, make decisions and be responsible for the results achieved.

Primary Demotivation:
• Not challenged.
• Supervised too closely.
• You receive vague answers to questions.
• Leadership vacillates.
• You lack significant goals.

tired.