today i discovered hidden talent on the tennis courts.

guilty pleasure of the day

pissing cash into the wind on...
pretty little flowers!!!!!!!!!!
unfettered recklessness of squelched creative energy
gone MAD

no. you know what? i am going out. to a bar. by myself. to meet some girls. friends, you pottyhead. and it has been maybe 10 years since i did this. so i am damn well going to finish my tea, pull off my comfy blue fleece thinsulates and haul my ass to that bar.

out.

apparently, more people decide to die in one way or another on monday mornings at 9 o'clock than any other day of the week.

i can therefore forgive myself for the day of excessive wallowing and revelation of unappealing details of my past.

today we take the kids to the movies. at 2:30. which is an hour and a half from now. so i must get dressed.

one foot in front of the other.

go!

i am so homesick today i feel like i am going to die.

isn't it ironic...don't you think...

and the funniest thing is...

a successful and i assume competant international business woman who i have been volunteering with on a committee believes i have all the qualities of an excellent potential corporate/life coach...and wants me to take it on

little old unemployable, completely depressed(ing) me...

and she's not the first

strange world

and i can't help drifting back to thoughts of my motley crew and wishing it were different...and wondering if i should even go there...or if that situation is just tooooooo beyond help...
sad for my friend

motley crew

5:58 am....let the mental noise beigin....

without wanting to give power to the destuctive tendancies of the universe i am thinking about this friend from high school who seems to have turned out exactly as they said she would
and i am sad
for our little clan of glam:

1 chronically unemployed and officially dropped out of society mother, formerly the promising and talented lead of the best high school musical in history

1 genious level drug addicted divorcee

1 ex-jock turned beauty queen turned bartender turned coke addict with a tooth missing

1 n.a. indian who went from college grant reciever to alcohol addict and turned up dead in the lake all in one yeaR

generation x

what next?

just wondering

is it not ok to tell your 14 yr old to go to bed at 10 pm? what is the norm here people? am i too controlling? am i an overprotective mother? i, who smoked more weed at 14 than i ever have since, in my whole entire life? am i for some reason being overprotective?

aster novi-belgii. gomphera. dianthus chinensus.

playing with worms.

shovelling compost. yummy crumbly dark compost. freshly baked. queen of compost.

pink morning sky.

silent house.

moments snatched away from the warble with a stolen lump of sugar and milk.

yup. here i go. shutting down.

a-hem.

i'm not here.

not wasting time at the computer any-more.

na-uh.

nothin to say at all.

not doin it.

nope.

lost interest- shutting down for a while.

insomnia is for the birds.

spent all day int he kitchen preparing ribs-braise-spice rub-cout with bbq sauce-bake-coat with more sauce-bbq...all from scratch plus a peach pie and roast potatoe salad with roasted red peppers and lemony vinaigrette...we had company

which means at 11 pm dumbdumb had coffee

brain meett hands meee tkeys meet thoughts...just can't get it together

but can't sleep

in one hour thing1 and thing 2 will be zipping around the house in cheery loud choasmaking morning glee

will i be up to this day?

help

don't know if it has anything to do with the diet but i am sick. went for lunch at ex-man's place in france and it was very yummy but loaded with carbs and i'm off carbs and sugar and wine. maybe he poisoned me. nah. we're pretty friendly these days. he just thinks i should get my ass a job. d'ya think? anyway.

a nice afternoon with the no longer jobless father (yey. there is hope.) of my teenager who has had a great summer and cut her long straight hair into the standard teen shag without mom's permission. same thing everytime with step-mom. grrrr. least it's not a mohawk. on the other hand, the just like everyone else hair bugs me. oh well. not my hair not my problem. she's still my baby. glad to have her back. except now she wants me to redecorate her bedroom. like today. she even did a plan. which if not to scale was still pretty impressive. how do you say no to two pages of planning. think it's time to hand her over the paint brush and a wad of cash. a very thin wad.

which brings me back to that same old song...

so yesterday, after years of torturing myself about the state of my kids shared bedroom, i finally did something intelligent. i started moving furniture. i zoned. i eliminated. i categorized. i vaccuummedd. for six hours. you can now hardly notice that the walls got painted before the acrylic and mouldings were put on. the thing is. my mom was here while we were "finishing" the house and the kids being a priority i thought hell we'll acrylic later. and handed mom a paint brush. i had prepped the walls (sort of) and given a couple coats of just the right blue, leaving spaces of white, and said mom, do clouds. and went of to paint the living room. she gave us the sisteen chapel. go mom.
which i have never done justice to since i am a lazy individual and have been too broke to buy nice furniture and therefore since i can't have exactly what i want have done virtually nothing. and of course felt very guilty about it knowing i have an excellent base to get imaginative with. and knowing that i could use my crafty ways to make them cool furniture. and finish the darn mouldings. (expensive) so tho make a long story short, i finally saw the layout light and hooray i am RELIEVED. no new furniture involved.( i had seen a wall unit in white washed oak that had formerly been in a cute shop of some kind and was just the right size and yada yada. but my dear friend mike wanted too much money for it) so ANYWAY, all i wanted to say was that this morning i was doing the rounds turning off all those lights everyone leaves on unneccessarily, and i see my little boy, the 5 yr old king of i can't do it, do it for me, up on his sister's bed plumping the pillows and smoothing the duvet. making the beds! i have made a difference. pleased pleased pleased.

i am completely absorbed in book reading at the moment.

however i have managed to find a great venue for our annual thanksgiving event. an event who's organisation was kind of thrust at me. well, the place is a winner. atmosphere lots of. rare enthusiastic chefs who are willing to go the distance at a reasonable price. parking. piano. fireplace. terrace. tucked into the woods in an old mill yet minutes from the majority of club members' homes. this is the one. i have decided. if they want something different they can find it themselves. this is the ONE.

don't you agree?

You Are 27% Fake

The real you is something you embrace and don't mind enhancing. You know that a few beauty secrets aren't a big deal, as long as you look good.

How Fake Are You?

You Are a Phoenix

Driven and ambitious, you tend to acquire material success easily. You have grand schemes - both for your own life and for changing the whole world. You are a great leader, and you have no problem taking the reigns. However, you aren't all business. You also have great talents for performing and visual arts.

What Mythological Creature Are You?

also enjoying

also, reading this book. highly recommend it.

more trivial details of an ordinary life worth celebrating

as i am somewhat porky at the moment, the south beach diet is back under way.
i will always be a cart puller earth mother that's ok. but no jowels allowed. out of the question. no way i'm going to let the double chin get cosy. no no no.

walk in the park

went for a walk. all better now.

i want my life back. should have known better. tied to this life by duty. the rest has slipped away. take heed girls. don't chose the man. maybe if i take some magnesium these thoughts will just shut up.roll a spliff. pull weeds like crazy. have a temper tantrum and freak everyone out again. maybe if i take some nice anti-depressants i will be able to accept the world and fall into place. let the gray show. become discreet and serviceable and learn how to file. gracious and acceptable. maybe i just want to click my heels and return to that fateful banister where i was loitering when the sly lady professor asked me if i would like to be an honorable exchange student. exchange your life for a trip to europe. lose yourself. total disconnect. rootless. meaningless. time-wasting. out of context forever. too late to go back. how exotic. my consolation: my wonderful children. who will grow up and go away and leave me the way i did my own family 20 years ago. how can i keep that from happening when i can't even stay present for them now. i used to be a fun person.

out of the house. must. get. out. of. the. house.
and so we drove willy nilly all over the countryside looking for that place, that special place the one which would grab our focus and offer retreat from the unending sense of whatthefuckamidoinghere?! while our whole family is enjoying fun north american summers together
but then again, they have jobs
our summers would be more fun if we had a little purchasing power

never mind.

i did purchase a camera recently
so without much inspiration i shall now exhibit the most recent of my collection
as above
hmn it would appear i have screwed up the resolution when sizing down

the amazing new digital camera has been manifested.

now for the six figure salary.

currently synchronised with the theme song from chariots of fire.
4 times in one day. wacky.
and it's our 6th wedding anniverary. btw.
courage for the 7yr stretch.
the universe speaks.

even if none of you ever seem to ; )

and on this special day, we:

had huevos rancheros in bed
took the rainy day excursion to Treves, Germany where we,
visited a roman amphitheatre
parused the fine mosaics and statuary at the landmuseum
dined at mcdonald's and then finished off in style with a little shopping at german wallmart

since it is now FALL( cold, leaves falling due to July drought) we plan to crack open our cute little mini-bottles of Mumm DRY and sip them in front of the crackling fire and/or television

all the while feeling perfectly content because why the hell not