Pimpdom

i'm dwelling on this... what would you do, if the guy(s)you work(ed) for, who owe you close to 50,000$ and who you helped eeeeease into a bankruptcy, without protest or making waves(thinking they were but honest victims of a bad situation)(duh) thereby legally washing their hands of this debt, passed a job on to you (much like tossing a few crumbs) and decided to skim half the fee without prior discussion or even telling you the whole amount? knowing that next week the power will be shut off, and the bailiff is at the door, whilst the Godfather(s) continue to drive around in their mercs, what would you do?

Spent the weekend seeking validation (discreetly). Helped the Evil Genious dress a set for our new theatre friend. It's refreshing to spend a couple of afternoons in stress-free cooperation and have interesting conversations with a non-pretentious, non-agressive designer. Sure beats pacing the floor. So what if i did it for free. The reward was having a tiny bit of my soul back. And realizing i'm not half bad for someone who's been BENCHED. There i go again.

it's insipid, isn't it? thought so. don't care.

i had to have this. because this is who i was. this is when i am happy. so, if the artist is not happy i am using it, just let me know.

on the other hand, maybe that's what you get for being thick with theives.

it's time to show some compassion for the man who has been 100% supportive of his boss and just dicovered that selfish double dealers come in all packages. after 8 years of service and defending them to the last,finally the ultimate SMACK. enough to wipe the shit out of his eyes. to say more would be suicide but god would i like to. the boy has had his first taste of blood - his own. even when bridges burn, i would rather know my enemies than be counting them among my friends. so, bring it on. i love a good bon fire.

I know my life is trivial and small and that in the big scheme of things i am overpriveleged and spoiled. But i need to blog about it because it's a good way to channel energy and also to put things into perspective.

wow. today i have reached record bitchiness. provoked by an internet cable which is continuously snaked across the house cutting off chi and tripping people daily because it's too much to ask the hearby deemed Untouchable to put his toys away in their proper place. or to wait until the dishwasher is full before running it. or to respect any of the systems i put in place in this prison i am forced to run. and so it came out. i don't love you any more. i've been shoving it back down for a long time, but today, unwittingly, without much provocation, out it jumped. along with, i deeply resent and despise you. to which he continued to whistle hits of the 80's and tell me it was just because i got drenched with reality yesterday and am a histerical fool. did i mention that i also completely disrespect you too, Mr Untouchable? what am i going to do with this? i hate him. i love him. but i hate him.

and when i get back in i'll bake those muffins.

After yesterday's shocking revelations and self-flagelating, i feel it is time to focus on the budding of spring. Therefore, even though it's a little gloomy out and i don't have a zoom lense on my digital camera, out i go to capture renewal in my very own garden.

anybody got a match?

seven years ago, my how time flies, i was asked by my boss if i wanted to move to england and take a job with him on a VERY well known project. it was a big deal. he also asked me why i didn't go out with the poor guy who kept calling me and making obscenely romantic gestures. i rolled my eyes and said that after everything i'd been through, why would i go out with this guy when my instinct told me he was wonderful and i'd end up back where i'd started, a desparate-mom-no-one with no job and no future, because that's what dating that particular guy implied: children, family, and the inevitable dependance on a man which i knew would cause me to lose myself all over again. i knew it in my gut. and i tried sooooooo hard to turn him off. but in the end, i chose the man. and guess what...the prophecy has fulfilled itself, as they do.
i have just been told by a designer "friend" (who was biting at MY heals back when), that i am basically unemployable because i have kids. i wouldn't be suitable to the intense furniture moving, the truck driving, the minor carpentry (all which i've DONE DONE DONE) because well, i'm delicate. and i wouldn't want to do the hours. and she's got a "buyer"/decorator who is totally unfettered and in the brief time that i've been away has absorbed the entire industry.
who gives a flying fuck if i can't afford to feed or house my kids. any real professional would have used a condom.
she's right. i don't want to drive a damn truck. i've done the grunt work.i should be an art director and directing my own movies by now. that's what i want-ed.
WELL. YOU CAAAAAAAAAAAANT HAVE IT.
guess i'll go bake some muffins.
i can serve them to the bailiff.
fuckin useless peice of shit who nobody, after 20 years here, gives a crap about because i'm nothing but a pair of tits.
well, they're nice tits at least.
and they have served their purpose well.
but they're empty now.
i don't even have a screw gun anymore.
and my husband has scattered my tools all over the damn garage.

oh yes. and yesterday the huissier, what's that word in english?, guy who takes your furniture if you don't pay your vat, paid us a VISIT.
Lurking Doom licks it's chops.
15 days.
stop salivating on my floor.
nasty.

Well, spent the last two days raking leaves and junk from the flower beds. it has been my intention to get a head start on spring in the jungle for the last two years and always, always, something comes up. well not this year. i made a promise to those little snow drops and daffodils and struggling tulips that this year they would have the perfect backdrop all freshly raked and weeded.
and i came through, yes i did. and now it's snowing and i fear for the little flowers. maybe i threw off their winter blanket too soon! and we shall have shriveledd and forlorn little daffodils. no. it cant be so. i believe in you tough little guys. together we brave the last snarls of winter and in spring shall be GLORIOUS!
also of note, today is carnavale at school. so this morning i kissed good-bye a karate kid, a pussy cat, and a sort of flower-girl-pink-haired-not-so-sure-what-i-am-but-wanna-be-cool-so-i'm-not-over-doing-it teenager.
and the red squirrels are out. hello squirly. i'm ready for spring too.

shake it, baby, shake it

I don't know what to write on this blog anymore. i'm feeling kind of exposed and criticized. damn Critic. to whom i am supposed to say, who cares? it's an outlet. it's for you. it's not about pleasing people. or being super original. ranting from beyond. title hasn't changed. it's what i do here. it's the whole point of it. no point. keep going. just because.
shake it off.

OOF

Well, things are feeling a little lighter around here. Thanks to finally hearing that the job my h had set his mind set on (solely, for over 3 weeks) will not be on offer for around a year. They were impressed, he was the top choice, but it's not in the stars just yet...blahblahblah. And i was kind of getting used to the idea. At least we can all stop holding our breath and get back to the here and now. Also, for those who feel I've been a little L.Bobbit lately, i've decided to put the scissors safely back in the drawer.

Today my husband was driving along the highway, and all of a sudden for no apparent reason, the driver's side window just blew up. Thousands of tiny peices of glass shattered inward and all over the car. Sniper? Nobody around. Flaw in glass? No. BUT, last week he dreamed he was hemoraging from all orifices whilst trying to drive to the hospital. I believe that the extreme stress he has been subjected to over an extended period, has allowed him to tap into new psychic abilities. It's the quickening. How exciting.

Apparently,

http://channels.netscape.com/love/package.jsp?floc=ns-tos-toda-h-01&name=fte/meningitis/meningitis

according to this "article" on netscape's homepage, which is too long for me to link so paste away, meningitis can be prevented by "recently attending a religious event"! huh?

I am praying for something new and wonderful to fall out of the sky and land right in my lap. Something not too heavy.

Yesterday's post was not about trying to be deep. I really think about these things. It's good escapism from actually living my life. Today I'm going to pay a visit to my Sugar Daddy. That man who always finds work for my idle hands. It won't be anything i actually want to do but it will get me busy. or motivated to be busy. or i'll drink too much coffee, listen to the same old stories, same old music, inhale way too much dust and be relieved i didn't end up moving in with the evil genious. and the Critic, who has been very quiet lately, would like to add that i will also successfully avoid bringing anything of my own authorship into the world, yet again. yeah, well it's better than sitting at this damn computer obsessing. ciao.

More Doomsday Thinking From An Obsessive Compulsive Nit Picker

DELETED

The Critic

after a vigorous work-out and chill...a semblance of centeredness returns. off with The Exploited. on with ohm and internet lounge.

for those of you who are offended by my temper and anti-American slam sessions, i will offer just this, it's not personal. of course i see everyone as the potentially wonderful/heignous individual they may be. it's you who makes the final decision as far as i'm concerned. i'm open. and if that's not good enough how about this tidbit that my dh offers me thus throwing copious amounts of vitriol on an already stoked fire...i didn't intend to offend you...

now for the mommy blogging...

we had a birthday party this weekend. a sleepover. ice-skating. do-it-yourself pizza. moulin rouge and house of wax three. all beautifully organised and orchestrated by my radient 14 yr old. they giggled until 5 am. when i had to come in and growl a little bit. at 6 am the little people (siblings)snuck in and woke up the whole crew who were sprawled across the living room floor deep in REM. hee, hee, hee. Not long after we stuffed them all with pancakes and they zombied around the house in giggly delirium for another few hrs. the afternoon was devoted to napping.

a great crew of friends. no in-fighting. no jealousy. just a bunch of sweet little girls who i hope will stay friends beyond the trials and possibly...miles.

Netscape Sucks. for the nth time i have lost a post because Netscape froze up on me. can't exactly type it all over again because that would be contrived. suffice it to say it was about how angry i am. so nothing new. only this time it was openly directed at my husband. who is a jerk. a passive aggressive jerk. who wants us to cash in on our house so he can go do some underpaid job in buttfuck USA. so he can be passified by the conveniance stores and media injected thought control. i do not know this man.slash that. pussy.

Good News, it's not Alzhiemer's

http://www.collisiondetection.net/mt/archives/2005/11/people_frequent.html

More Pictures, What the Heck

fire, flowers,an exotic cauliflower and one narcoleptic goldfish named blubblub

Prehistoric

For some reason i had a much different, somewhat more collosal mental image of these.The little doily-like sign says "Hanging Stone", referring to the 17th century reassignment of their usage... can't quite figure out how they did it though. probably just strung'em up in the trees nearby...not important

this rock i live under feels so compfy i can barely move. i will set a small task for tomorrow (or the next day) in order to focus less on the lint in my little belly button (which no longer jiggles after 2 weeks on the South Beach diet)(hooray! it works!). tomorrow (or the next day) i will take pictures of the gigantic stones standing up in a feild not far from here and they will be posted as a symbol of...um..they will be posted. there. mind freed from crap. goodnight. oh, and i'm now addicted to comments. that's the twist to blogging...you want the universe to answer you back when you scream.

But i'm going to kick and scream all the way there.

Back To Kansas ?

I would like to solemnly remember a great friend who passed away two days ago. Suddenly, unexpectedly.

He was my first.

Always true to his cause, it happened during the performance of yet another arduous, dusty task. Unglamourous. Necessary. He burned himself out after a long, purposeful life.

Coming to me as an offering from the same team that provides Bond with his weaponry, You served me well.
Goodbye fair Makita.

And so I am officially disarmed. And yet still, somehow, feeling a little dangerous...

It's another sign, Onward, Renew...

Therefore, methinks, yes. In pig nation i shall prosper!

MY Place to Express MY Crap

I've been whining alot lately. Lurking Doom is closing in. DH is preparing the car for sale. How are we supposed to work with one car? But so far still no unemployment money. The six months of salary we can forget. The enormous amount of cash owed from "Victims" (an appropriate title) is but a dream. We are being slammed. I whine. I wait.

GODDAMMIT

Some more excellent insight from my new friends VH and VF. Thanks again.

The transition will be hardest for me apparently. In the car today, my eldest, who i worry about the most (being 14), tells me she's going to roll with whatever life throws at her and focus on the positive...wow. I'm no longer worried. My little girl has her head on her shoulders. I love her.

Europe is hard to give up though. So much variety. Great food. Culture...I could go on...But I won't. I'm totally sick of the should I stay or should I go theme for the moment.

So living in the now, I'll just say it's been an ok week. I have been quite liberated by the revelation that I do not have to build some kind of monument. All of a sudden I get this. I have been fortunate to brush up against the inspired and the inspiring.

And last night, I attended the opening night of the kids opera for which we did the masks , and got to see our pingpong heads in action...They made their momma proud. No one bumped into anyone, no noses had fallen off after 2 weeks of rehearsals, everyone was happy.

Great to actually make people happy with your work (as opposed to having it snatched up and destroyed as per usual). Something that has never happened before: the designer thanked us. Over and over. And came with gifts for P and me, which is apparently an opening night tradition. She kept saying that she would love to work with us again and will call as soon as she has something. (soon, please, tick tock tick tock)

When the thing was over the kids were triumphant and singing went on until the halls were empty...