Here Comes the Sun

I'm torn between this daily writing exercise w/coffee ritual and an amazing sunrise which is streaming gold through my window. Nature wins!
Back with frozen toes. Amazing. It's the end of October and I can stroll around the backyard in thongs and a housecoat for 20 minutes. Something my cherished former landlady taught me. She used to stroll around in her housecoat in sub-zero February. And she was in her 80's. I really loved Colette. She had so much character and although she would come into my appartment and bawl me out for letting my wok rust, in the end she was like a grandmother to me and my 5yr old daughter. In fact, she was the first person to treat me with any compassion at all in Luxembourg. Despite the fact that her original intent had been to have an additional servant living in the cottage and paying rent... (Lot's of work on a property like hers) She tried for months to get me to open her shutters in the morning and close them at night...which I did as a favor sometimes. (She had a maid) I remember once, I was hanging the laundry in a rather mishappen manner whilst being observed from Colette's parlour window. Over she comes to comment on my lack of style. WHAT!? Will these people not relent?! I am a single mother, in a foreign country, with a 12 hr/day 6 day work week (when work was available) I'm doing my best! Give me a BREAK! So I asked her, in light of all this, to explain why I should bother to hang the socks with the socks, the undies with the undies etc., and she told me "Pour l'amour des choses bienfaits". Which means, "For the the pleasure of doing things well." And she explained the feeling it gives to look out the window and see neat rows of laundry all carefully laid out and drying on the line. Zen of laundry.
Luxembourg has some old fashioned ideas about things and I had already been chewed out for laundry drying on a Sunday, by a different landlord, but this time I keyed into something: the quality of living that requires a little more effort but allows you to slow the pace and take pleasure in life's unavoidable repetitive tasks. So many ways this cantakerous old lady will never be forgotten. I wish I could talk to her again. Colette passed away this time last year. She said she would fly out the window like a bird...I totally believe she did.
PS. Colette, Carine is still not closing the shutters...

Should I Stay Or Should I GO

Just got back from having the 2nd mortgage notarized. What a feeling. So exciting. Did you know that "mort" means death and "gage" is a bet in French? Pretty much sums it up I think. We have til Jan. to come up with a plan or the bank takes all. I would be thoroughly enjoying this lovely fall now if it weren't for trips to the notary and such. Oh, well. I have planned an afternoon of paint therapy and should be feeling just fine after a few whifs of that yummy white spirit. This crap is affecting my kids. Thought I'd mention them. They are growing up without fun Mommy. So the youngest,(4 ) the still somewhat unsevered one who psychically connects to my every mood is having neurotic fits of disappointment whenever the slightest thing is out of whack from how you put the toothpaste on his toothbrush to who turns off the tv. The Middle child (6) is an Angel, making all things right. The Eldest, is 13. Need I say more. She is kind of excited about the far-off possibility of a North American life: as portrayed on Nickelodeon.

Simplicity

No more messing with colour. This will be my template. Its not about the pretty decorations and I am not a web designer yet. So there you go. Also must apologize to the imaginary world about feeling very very sorry for myself from time to time. Not that I want to go into the details but sometimes life is messed up. On the bright side I got a call back on my CV. Trouble is going to the interview and actually being a whole other me that I haven't really been in a long, long time. It's not because the things in the resume are false it's just never good enough to me. Plus there's this reclusiveness that's totally overcome my personality. Not too compatible with the world's expectations and yet I know the other me needs to be in a certain environment and that happens to include floodlights. The great common denominator however is the money. Money will coax me out of my hole just about every time. And hell, it'll be fun.
Right now I am saying this and listening to a radio mom-cast where the subject matter makes me barf and so does their diction. It's not AYAND it's AND, it's not fustrating, it's frustrating. YOU ARE ON THE RADIO LADY. But I enjoy the programme anyway being lonely and all. It does appear that a lot of women are very concerned with pleasing others and fulfilling their role. When I was home in Canada I felt the overachiever vibe as well. Why the competition? I believe in a full life but advertising the crammed schedule across the soccer field, what is the reason for this? And the stuff!!!!Equipment for this, gadgets for that, be prepared or else...Or else what? You'll be downsized by your husband? Perhaps...Not that I'm not a little crucified by the whole mom-job-self dilemma but why broadcast your goodness all over the place. It's got my sister totally neurotic about having enough, supplying enough to the kid's needs...(very spoiled kids) Also, I was shocked at the sibling rivalry. My kids have never been exposed to it and it took me three weeks to detox them. Now they play together again without the sly little pinches and the nasty asides just to see how upset they can get each other or try to get the other in trouble. (they are 15 months apart)Yes, it is a scary thought coming home to America with all it's conveniences and entitlement. But it's also a scary thought to be growing old in a foreign country where they don't know how to barbecue.

ART AS COMMoDITY

This is progress. It's not pretty but it's more colourful. A small success. Snaps for the Mom. Also, I have nearly finished painting the house in lovely sexy marooooooon. A very sexy looking shack. Yet still a shack. As inch by inch I discover the crevices left by years of neglect (talking about the siding not my face) I think of sacrificial rights and what sort of pampering must have been bestowed on virgins being offered to appease the gods. Yet here the god is the green eyed devil and his lustful bulldozers. Perhaps it will not happen. An answer will come some marvellous breakthrough in film financing incentives will shower the country in big budget projects and our desert landscape will again be green. GREEN. Like American money. Like the money that didn't show up from AMERICA the land of PROMISE. The misplaced investment which despite a big bank guarentee was not forthcoming. Leaving hundreds of people unpaid and an industry choking to death. Waiting for the resolution which has been PROMISED for over a year...Until then we prepare the offering - our house. And I must release a curse into the blogger fountain of wishes. I curse the 2 reckless producers of Italo-American origin whose selfishness is costing alot of people their sanity. Gypsies, tramps and theives we here it from the people of the town they call us...and these 2 assholes are why. They give us a bad name. FUCK YOU F. and F. YOU CROOKS.

Technical Difficulties

I would seriously like to change this background. Have spent hours trying to figure it out. Can't do it. I suck at technology. Parlez-vous français? ah, ooui. Deutch? Ein bichen. CSS? nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Well, think I'll go try again.

Surpassed

Went to see some shorts made in Lux and was pleasantly surprised. As we're attending the local Oscars it seemed a good idea to at least have seen a few. Luckily the 4 we saw were designed by friends and so I'll have something to talk about tomorrow night other than my house, my kids, and the Lurking Doom. Kind of a funny feeling when you can look back on the days when it all started and say I remember when...We were all running around a little crazed, learning a new business that invented itself as it went along... Much to the dismay of many a seasoned film vet. whose ways of doing things are shall we say challenged here in the wild west. Now, the business is going to places like Hungary and sometimes it feels like we're officially on the Titanic. But the musics still playing and I can swim (and put up with cold temperatures) so I guess we'll hang around a little longer. I was actually asked for my CV yesterday. A random act of kindness or could this be hope? I am a stubborn girl. I have perservered for a LOOOONG time. But usually the positive effects of my tenacity are kicked to bits in a fit of self-hatred that personally I feel all individuals should have to inflict upon themselves because we as human beings are vile creatures and should not be allowed to breeze through life without a self-questioning moment... And personally I have always enjoyed the bitter-sweet. That's why I haul rusty iron-work out of the bin and store it in my garage. Beauty needs to be a little tarnished for me to appreciate. Maybe that's why I refuse to allow success to enter my life when it's banging on the door and all it needs is a welcoming smile and an open heart to do my bidding. Tantric living. Hold out until you can't bear it and than throw the door open and let the whoosh of what you want just drown you in yes, yes, yes!!!!!!!!! Maybe that's it.

Coffee Time

Un grand café au lait to be exact. I love quiet. First thing in the morning quiet after everyone's out the door and it's too early to do much except watch the mist dissipate and explore computerland. On the list for today, slap as much paint on the remaining 200sq. meters of house- a lovely aubergine for the siding and petrol for the trim...i like these colours so much it's actually soothing to be up on the ladder covered in ick spreading this gorgeous ick everywhere and feasting my eyes on my colourwheel success. It's very hard to actually get the "right" colour off a chart. Once it's on a large surface and in the natural light things can be very dissappointing. We started off with a lovely barn red and after applying to several corners found it kind of screamed "bodies inside", so we went for the plum. a huge success. Mom the House Painter. My kids think I'm very cool when I'm on a ladder all painty. Anyways, I don't want to speak of the Lurking Doom today. I'm sick of it. In fact it's a vey beautiful European Fall and I want to enjoy it (maybe for the last time) and as a stress monster I only enjoy ripping into people. The balance goes, 3 days a week I am an awful, useless stress-monster and the other four I am functional and can see beauty all around...hmn...sounds like a manic depressive personality disorder says the Critic. Oh, hello Critic would you like to say a few words this morning? Well, yes. I think your blog is very self-reflective to say the least and it kind of makes me gag actually. Why don't you write more informative, or humoristic pieces and stop blubbering...be proud...suck it up...get with the programme...get a life...join the real world...wake up and smell the coffee!!!!!!! Ok. SHUT UP NOW. This is MY blog and I'll spill my guts or not if I want to. And other people who I enjoy too much to try to emulate already have the intelligent stuff covered so BUG OFF. But the coffee suggestion was a good one. Coffee anyone?

Today and yesterday

Mid-life crisis number 2, I guess. The first one in my 20's when I broke up with my French boyfriend and dragged my 4yr old off into a brief time of self-inflicted poverty and despair. In the most honorable name of finding myself. Worked like a slave, never had enough money, but did become somewhat of a power woman. Men did not like me in this form. They wanted to reform me. Stop me from driving a truck and getting dirty and having that crazy look in my eyes and that fire in my belly. After a while I wore out. The jobs were too few and far between. After writhing in this lifestyle for several years I met a nice guy. The Charming Prince as it were. This was a good thing and a bad thing. Healthy family living rushed into my life. Maybe all my voice needed was a little food and a hug. Ok. So now, two kids, a home reno and an extra 30 lbs. later, my DH has lost his job. I see the precipice once again. The drop is much farther. First of all, I'm 10 years older and feel like leftovers on the job market buffet. Secondly, that security blanket (that I think was suffocating me anyway), is gone. And there it is....something small but fierce, that fire in the belly, has started to get me moving again.