when i was much much younger but not that young, i used to believe there was a man who stalked me from the spirit world. (yeah. it's more corniness.)

i first saw it when i was about 9. it woke me with that feeling that someone was watching. there, at the end of the hall, a large white figure fading in and out. it seemed to gesture and be speaking loudly but i couldn't hear. all i could do was turn my light on, hide under the covers and scream. didn't go away that easily. not until my mom put her foot out her door.

creeping myself out. i like to keep that mental door shut.

had other waking dreams. other moments of extreme discomfort at being watched closely. of hugely muscular arms crashing furniture on my head while i slept. not nice.

in my last year of high school i went to see a card reader. she told me i would be leaving town and once i had started my journey i would not retrace my steps. yep.
she also said there was this intense dark man waiting for me. freaky. well maybe that was JohnnyBeautiful. he was my intense dark horse for a few years.loved JohnnyB.maybe it was johnny.


finally when i arrived in europe and saw the charred hands gripping the windowsill of my 5th story medieval apartment i said, this has to stop. if i was going to live in europe i didn't want any more of that sort of invasive historical reenactment making me nuts. so i turned it off.

and shouldn't be reviving it now.

but i'm lonely and sometimes i wonder