late night posts are never cheerful

late night mind chasing

remember that made for tv movie where the prom queen is just waking up from a 20 yr coma and she's 40? that's how i feel about moving home

how do you go back? i will never fit in. never did. going back will be like gambling the one peice of real i have in order to maybe, maybe, maybe, have...what? a little more security? my mind scoffs at this. i don't feel secure at all about it. what if it doesn't work out and we've bought a house and can't sell it and are in some small town that what if we don't like? or some big town and lose the balance we have with our kids?

yes, something has to change in my life. i can't stay burried in this house. but i think the job market is just as hostile to women who've been home with their kids over there. because of all those reasons i won't go into.

i could go back to school. that's what i would do. ease into it. do some supply teaching. forget the woman i almost was and be a wife in the burbs. there's nothing left to hold onto here any way. the business is dead. everyone is leaving. almost never won a game of horseshoes.

and there would be family visits. that would be nice.

but i don't want to be the broke washed up auntie who grandad has to slip a thousand every visit because she cant afford to get her hair cut or buy a bra. broke here is way more dignified than broke there. at least i can get a really good bottle of wine for 4 euros to drown my sorrows in.

SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

what if you stop chasing your tail and have a little faith in life?
go listen to deepak.