i want my life back. should have known better. tied to this life by duty. the rest has slipped away. take heed girls. don't chose the man. maybe if i take some magnesium these thoughts will just shut up.roll a spliff. pull weeds like crazy. have a temper tantrum and freak everyone out again. maybe if i take some nice anti-depressants i will be able to accept the world and fall into place. let the gray show. become discreet and serviceable and learn how to file. gracious and acceptable. maybe i just want to click my heels and return to that fateful banister where i was loitering when the sly lady professor asked me if i would like to be an honorable exchange student. exchange your life for a trip to europe. lose yourself. total disconnect. rootless. meaningless. time-wasting. out of context forever. too late to go back. how exotic. my consolation: my wonderful children. who will grow up and go away and leave me the way i did my own family 20 years ago. how can i keep that from happening when i can't even stay present for them now. i used to be a fun person.