sorry for being unpleasant

every time i stumble upon a mommy blog that starts with" i am wondering if it's what god wants for me"or some psalm, i could gag. it's a physical revolt that starts in my stomach and filters down to the ends of all those little hairs on my arms that are standing up in self-defence against a threat to my spirit and freedom. it's that pronounced. it conjures up images of some daddy's girl looking up angelically at her all knowing father as he pats her on the head and says, goood girl you won't go to hell like all those prideful sluts who refuse to see the way.

slut. a word which was bestowed upon me at my new catholic high school with a cross on every wall when i was 14 and far too young for the word to apply. but i was somehow different and therefore it would be my fate to walk alone every day, down the hall of shame as the girls hissed that word and i hugged my books tight to my chest and kept a confident smile and steady gaze.
i developed a habit of surrounding myself with boys that year. for protection on the days when "you're dead after school slut" where thrown in with the usual hateful looks and hissing. by the end of the year, i could be alone in that hall and still hear the hissing. not once did any good samaritan intervene.

the next year, i went to a public high school where i experienced far less judgemment and only one death threat. later that year, i heard about the Catholic Defenders of Virtue Club's latest antics. one of their own had gotten herself pregnant (grade 9 folks) and the leader decided to teach her a lesson. at the bus stop after school. on the ice. right in front of the school. visible from the principle's office. they kicked her in the stomach until she coughed up blood and left her there. apparently she was in hospital for a long time. result: she held on to her baby and became a much nicer person but decided to drop out of school. and what happened to the head of this vigilante group? the next year she was voted president of the student union.

that's enough reminiscing for now i think.