angst has always been a part of my journey. ever since i set foot in europe and lost the ablility to communicate with ease. i have always, somehow, plugged along, never really getting to that place where confidence and inspiration take over and i suddenly feel ME again.

my choices in jobs, people, places, have always been influenced by having to make do in a difficult situation. and yet, i am proud of what i have done so far. even if i know i could've done better if i'd just told the damn men in my life to go take a hike and followed my own path.

the reward for the life i have chosen is my children. who could second guess that? what kind of mother even thinks about what it might of been like if she'd refused to accept a ride on somebody else's destiny. maybe that's all i'm good for.
i can't stand the compromises. i can't face myself knowing that i have only been able to do a smidge of what i had dreamed of doing and that time is runing out and i now have to go quietly to a new destiny that is not, at all, one of my choosing.

putting my foot down, as i do daily, is ripping the famiily apart. but how can i not feel scammed when i sense deeply that the man in my life is cashing in on all that struggle, so that he can buy a bungalow in texas, a place i am for some reason, savagely against living in. a life without inspiration.

to say no, is to tear my family apart. to say yes, is to lose myself to compromise all over again. at this late date, i hardly have a choice.

i feel dead.