Hope
Guardian of Fire

There is a universal fire that burns in everything, in the hearts of all beings, made of starfire itself. To guard that lifeforce within you is a sacred task. To cherish its flame is to tend the inner temple fire. One word for this fire is hope. You may have been faced with challenges lately that threaten this fire, or perhaps those near you are feeling their own hope wavering. Hold your hands over your heart, and feel the glow... then radiate it outward to those in need.

Copyright Lunaea Weatherstone. All rights reserved.

Find the Mistakes-2nd draft

avoidance has been the theme lately. so i'll update. and apoplogize for not capitalizing or using the conventional punctuation-spelling-grammar. i've lost it. so apart from moping because i'm now 39 and it's yet to reveal it's plus side to me, what else...

Monday: can't remember

Tuesday: my b-day - moped, picked fight with husband for not having a job yet and not updating me and not showing any sign of growing some teeth, picked up kids, drove'm to karate, waited an hr in the car for eldest, drove home. Total 4 hrs in car. returned to find husband preparing lovely lamb dinner and chocolate birthday cake from scratch with delicious cream cheese frosting, from scrath, which we kidded him looked like mashed potatoes. But it was so nice. he even decorated the cake with real flowers. and presents: an eye-toy work out programme so i can get my butt in shape.
Ok. Problem.That was last week. OMG. well i am obviously lost in the space-time-continuum somewhere.nothing new. So, in fact, Tues. was same only without birthday as that happened last week.

Wed: scintigraphie, dont know the term in english. it's where they shoot you up with radioactive iodine and take pictures of your thyroid. i was very nervous because i thought my thyroid was giving me alot of trouble (weight gain, fatigue, depression, etc) well the doc says, So what makes you think you have a thyroid problem?...duh, only all the other doctors who've looked at it over the last 7 years...she sent me off assuring me that in the 200000 thyroids she's observed, the tiny nodules (i know for a fact there's one almost 2 cm diametre) are not a problem, could not be the source of my complaints, and i should see a shrink. i left completely flattened and feeling like i'd made the whoole thing up.
So i went SHOPPING. and after 30 min. in Zara where everything was marked down 50% , i was a new woman. am damn proud of my bargoons, too. as i am a bit chunky at the moment, i managed not to fixate on this but rather, bought lots of great sweaters in rich colours like turquoise and bordeaux and lime green, and i swear i have a new wardrobe for only 140 bucks. i should be a personal shopper.

Thurs: ex-boyfriend dropped by to say hello in a.m. and regail me with stories about his first construction job and the toppling cranes. Sounds like there's a certain Hilton hotel which is very badly built...Then i dyed my hair a vibrant red and hung my new wardobe up in the closet after doing myself a little fashion show and feeling like i've finally accomplished something this year. Shopping does it for me. i've totally lost my sex drive but the shopping urge is still alive and kicking.

Fri: i sit here. paruse the blogs of others. and try. to write. something. it's like pulling teeth. but i did it. three pats on the back for the intellectually constipated old lady. i shall now go do my kundalini yoga video and chase out the last of those nasty self-depricating vibes for the day. ohm...

Sites for today

http://www.lifehack.org/

http://to-done.com/

And this

Inspiration
3 of Fire

Here we see a line of young ballerinas, devotedly learning their art, committed to their chosen dance. But bursting onstage comes another dancer, an African dancer, leaping joyously into the air. He expresses the power of life and the variety of creative expression. Seeing him, the ballerinas are inspired in ways they never dreamed. Whether they follow his example or not, their dance will take on a fire, and their lives will never be the same, for they are now alive with possibility. Stay open to unexpected inspiration...

Copyright Lunaea Weatherstone. All rights reserved.

From Lunaea

Tenderness
Queen of Water

"Now she understood why some women prefer influence to rights..." Holding her happy baby, serenely blissful herself, this Queen beholds you with the eyes of tenderest love, offering her pearls of wisdom gently, from the depths of her moonlit sea of grace. Her ways are the ways of women's intuition, subtle persuasion and compromise. Take her into your heart, and make your world a more tender place...

Copyright Lunaea Weatherstone. All rights reserved.

while i blog

i cook

i drink coffee

i gaze out the window

i surf

i delete alot

i gaze deeply into that cute little belly button of mine

i wonder when i will quit procrastinating and do something useful

i read other peoples' blogs and get all speechless

i wonder just what midddle age means in this day and age because until last year when a co-worker of my own age stated that she was now middle aged and i thought huh?, it never crossed my mind...that was until she poisoned me with her retirement plans...

fuck middle age

i'm too cool for that

middle age is for people who like to identify with society's buy a toy and make it feel better plot to spoil the world

I AM ALIVE until the day i die

and when i am old i will still enjoy thrashing around to the Violent Femmes

and the really intense and sexy moments in life like eating FOie Gras Poilée with Yummy Confit d'Onions and downing an excellent bottle of wine

or rooting arounnd in the salvage yard and finding just the right junk

Divining

Opened a book and out jumped this:

"Stop telling yourself,"It's too late."

Ironic that the pages in this treasure trove of wisdom have yellowed since I last visited.
And yet, it's NOT too late...

10 points if you can tell me where this quote is from....

A Propos

O! That Gnome Trickster. Creative chaos. Wild gifts. Breaking habits and patterns.

Starter Reading: It's time to leap into the air, letting the earth turn beneath you, and discover where you come down again. Reasonable risks are OK. Even unreasonable risks are probably OK. Use your head and look before you leap, of course, but do so understanding that the actual jump is likely to be very rewarding. No guarantees, but then there never really are anyway, no matter how pretty the paper they may seem to be printed on and the scroll work around the edge. In a reading, the presence of That Gnome tells us that the forces of chaos are at work. Things may not be as they seem, and this may very well be a good thing. Look for the unexpected, find the opportunity in it, and go for it. He says that, no matter how confused things may seem, there is a way to make them better--but it is a creative way, one you haven't tried before. He says, 'Think amazing new thoughts!'

Want to hear more wisdom and insight from the Faeries? THE FAERIES' ORACLE contains all 66 faerie cards with a book featuring an introduction by Brian Froud and full descriptions and comprehensive instructions for use of the cards by Jessica Macbeth. Bring the faeries into your daily life: Purchase THE FAERIES' ORACLE today from Amazon.com.

It's my birthday andi feel like crap.

Except that a friend called last night with talk of another job. It was more the talk than the job that got me clinging to my European past again. I'm still not 100% sure if the devil you know is not better than the devil you kind of knew a long time ago...I would certainly miss that mad scientist friend and all the crazy things we've done...building space ships large and small, making torches to burn in medieval castles, making amazing things out of junk. Garlic spagetti, long hours, cold hands, dust, fumes, extra strong coffee, and that sparkle that i have only seen in the eyes of my fellow magicians while making something out of nothing...this i will regret.

Back to school!...Psych!

Got the xmas tree down today, hurray! Usaully goes around the 3rd but the kids started school a week later this year. We were amazed at how well the tree held up considerering none of the water we gave it actually went into the pot. It seems there is no drainage hole in our contraption which would allow the tree to actually get the water. Anyways it looked a bit like pot pourri but still quite pretty.

Only a couple of my to do's got done today as the girls both came down with stomach flu yesterday and only the Little Guy who's had it 3 times this year, got to go to school. So much for the cleaning frenzy I had planned.However, I am very proud as today I managed to go without a single solitary cup of coffee. But God I want it...

Something encouraging is happening to my teenager. She told me she was very bummed out at coming back to grumpy, serious Europe after our holidays this summer. She is shocked at the attitude over here and thinks she would enjoy living in a place which is not snobby and gruff. This unsolicited remark has relieved me of a couple of things a) worry that we'll have to move and she'll be devistated b) that she, who has been brought up mostly French and attended snobby French private school, has no ability to appreciate her mother's North American culture. (Which Europe loves to bash, and bash and bash. Unabashedly.) So going home is starting to feel kind of like an execiting opportunity rather than an admission of defeat.

Mirror, Mirror, On the Internet...

Global Personality Test Results

Stability (43%) moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious. Orderliness (46%) medium which suggests you are moderately organized, hard working, and reliable while still remaining flexible, efficient, and fun. Extraversion (60%) moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

Take Free Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

expressive, open, self revealing, loves large parties, loud, social, outgoing, does not like social isolation, assertive, social chameleon, positive, always busy, likes to fit in, likes to stand out, enjoys leadership, brutally honest, trusting, optimistic, desires attention, dominant, aggressive, attachment prone, wants to be understood, realistic

INFP - "Questor". High capacity for caring. Emotional face to the world. High sense of honor derived from internal values. 4.4% of total population.

Free Jung Personality Test (similar to Myers-Briggs/MBTI)

You scored as introverted and intellectually curious. I recently started a discussion forum for introverted intellectuals, if interested visit introspectives.org

Young Talent

http://artpad.art.com/?iso90lqe40g
http://artpad.art.com/?iso9lm1lnanc
http://artpad.art.com/?isof901a6n0k

Apparently it is not ok to lock the cat in your 14 yr old's bedroom at 11am. Ca ne se fait pas.

One day away from the birthdays of my first and last born. Yes, that's two on the same day. And mine's next week. Choke. We are the House Of Capricorn. We Rule. Yep, 3 Caps, a Taurus and a Scorpion. What a menagerie.

We are all partied out however. And broke - did i mention? But still, will muster 2 parties and a family day where we shall attempt to see Narnia and pray it doesn't terrorize my 5 and 6 years olds the way Harry P. did.

For my birthday all i ask is my health. And about 100,000 dollars. Wait, make it a million.

Health because i'm worried. Thyroid. Fat for no reason. Very unfair.
Money because the unemployment$ still has not kicked in after 7 months of no pay. That's why they call us starving artists. Now, i could expand on this but the Critic tells me that would be reverting back to whiny blog habits and no one likes a whiner. So i will attempt to draw upon my experience in a constructive way without the whahwhahwhah. Difficult.

As the song goes, "I get knocked down, but i get up again..."

This year i am gonna rock, baby!

Jan 1

Ready, Set Go! Type typetypetypetypetype....oh yeah. Content.

Let's see...

New Years Resolutions:
1) drink less coffee
2) follow through on ideas
3) get in shape
4) make lots of money
5) nurture my children
6) nurture my self
7) ____ my husband
8) make lots of money
9) drink more coffee
10) make some money

God this is hard. Basically my mind is bucking the whole effort thing. Reynoyds has stiffened my little fingers and sloth has stiffened my mind. Chilluns are watching the tube. Husband is sanding plaster. I am preparing mentally to paint hall. No special new years plans here. Except to cover up that ugly plasterboard for once and for all. (on hold 3 years )

Well, that's not quite all. I am more than toying with the idea of shooting a pilot for a cultural spotlight on the country. No one else is doing it. Would be fun. 30 minutes/week. Interviews, reports, agenda. Also want to put together a sort of local diy/hgtv type thing, motivated by the desire for free gardening services...blahdblahdblah...

Must move it this year.

Photobucket

This is a test post from Photobucket.com

Inspiration @

http://www.followyourdreams.com/postcards/index.html

http://www.wingsfortheheart.com/

http://www.spiritualitygateway.com/

http://www.pepperpages.com/

http://www.internoodle.com/Kermit/Inspiration/KermitTruth.asp?Poem=101

Filler' Up

Taking stock of things I realize I have not been all that faithful to myself. This is partially out of laziness partially out of denial, and then there's just life which makes you do things that you didn't plan and apparently happens while you're busy making plans. That's what I'm told. For instance, I set up this blog. Title : ranting from beyond. It's accurate. I rant. I do it from Europe, where I have lived for almost half my life and yet it still feels otherworldly. The permanent vacation. Meaning, some day I may go home. ? But that's not the point. I can deal with that. It's the Act of Defiance. Where is the Act? Yeah, the whole thing started out with the intention of shaking off my Inner Critic and filling a little page space. This I have achieved. Lots of filler. This too is filler. Sometimes I really think life is just filler. Christmas presents make great filler. We're about to fill a whole room with them. But it will be really worthwhile because of how excited the kids are and how nice to be able to create a little magic with some twinkly lights and red ribbon. But what I would really lke for Christmas is a little inspiration. The spark is here but I need to give it some kindling. Then again, who am I kidding? This is me. I am heavy. Not funny. Not positive. I am dark and negative and unfunny. But from here in the dark, light is so much more beautiful. So I guess I'll just go on with lots of the same until the same is somehow different. Is it that habit of standing back to truly appreciate a good painting? I also like to get right up close. Experience the intimacy of those brush strokes. I need to get up close. And maybe I'll just let myself off the hook. Maybe I don't have to be great. MAYBE I should just stop worrying about results completely. Yes. That feels better. So what if this blog is not so entertaining or even all that welcoming. So what? Today I let myself off the hook.

Why can't I just craft a few gifts and completely avoid the consumer rush? Make some home-made soap for instance and some cute rag dolls, paint my own xmys cards...hahhahahahaha. Madness. No time. The hardest is shopping for my Mom and my husband. Not that they're picky. I'm picky. Stuff is just stuff. Kind of turns me off, all this stuff...Who needs anything, really? Nobody I know needs anything that can be bought in a store. Except my kids, who are all too big for their clothes. And that's what Santa will be splurging on mostly. Clothes are a luxury why not get them for xmas? My aunt only had 2 dresses growing up in the 50's/60's. One for school, one for church. This is totally true. (And is probably why she has made sure she has never wanted for anything since). Conversely, I had everything I needed and more growing up and find my life-style severly curtailed now. Interesting. While our baby-boomer parents are able to travel, afford expensive houses, cars, entertainment, their loser offspring can't find appropriate employment and will possibly be living in cardboard boxes at retirement. Anger suddenly from nowhere . Change topic.


This Xmas my eldest will again be with her father and not with us. We're like the dormatory people. But since we may have to move far, far away, I thought it would be best not to take issue. Seems the important moments must be found in unusual places if there's going to be opportunity for them. Like between msn and toothbrush-time (3min). Seriously regret her learning how to use the computer for socialising. Must set limits.

The little guys will not notice the turbulence in our xmas experience and that's a relief. They're happy as can be. School has been a constant source of fun since Saint Nic on the 6th. They've had parties, concerts, theatre...It's a "lovely time of the year".

This week-end we took them to a medieval market at a real castle, which thrilled Little Guy totally. I have a 5 and a 6 yr old with strangely developed interests in architecture and engineering. Towers, pipes, windows, rooms cut into rock, they genuinely love it. Perhaps the credit is due to the kapla blocks they've been building with for years. I highly recommend them. They're plain pine rectangles all cut the same size and the kids can do amazing things with them. The "astructions" are becoming more and more complicated and they've recently requested another box. They prefer it to the other building toys they have ie; lego, duplo, megabloks...I am happy because i am acheiving one of my grass-roots-mama goals with little effort. (all the other goals from my granola years seem to have given way to convenience, such as prepared foods, tv, barbie, etc) (we still only eat whole grain bread)

Anyway, gottagetacuppacoffee...and start preparing for the feast!

so much to do. so much to do. only a few days to xmas and no presents shipped yet. cards to write. cookies to bake. shopping, shopping, shopping. oh, and there's the issue of cash flow. as in not happening. will be paid small amount for theatre project. should give santa something to work with. if 100 bucks a head is possible in this day n age. amongst requests, sims 2, digital camera, everything barbie, zapf, lego, mechano, hotwheels, ipod, complete new wardrobe X 4, and stalkings to fill...list time. i'll save it.

"you have a butt"
"yes, and so do you"
"i'll give you a butt"
"no i'll give you one"

touching father and son conversations for a sunday am.

hope santa's not listening.

Wading Through The Blog

I am completely under the control of The Critic. It's like typing against the current. Writing a blog is like wading through the bog. Watch your step. Woa, slippery. Yikes, I'm stuck. ANd of course, what fascinating creatures are going to attach themselves and start sucking ... Pass the salt.

Speaking of sucking...
Today is a perfect day for laundry and oven cleaning. At 8:25 am the world is still in darkness and our house is being battered by gale force winds and rain. I understand why thousands of years ago people decided to celebrate the sun around now. I could just crawl back under those covers and snooze until spring. Some coffee will do the trick. I've heated the milk twice already. Let's try again. Ah, yes, let the day begin.

OS, I'm here with my dyslexia and the Critic trying to type my way into existance for he day and wondering just what, after all, I really need to say. I could Mom-blog. But I can't. Well let's try. I haven't really tried so far. I just have a more natural talent for, what's it called? Belly gazing? The contemplation of one's navel. Howbout i mention casually that I visited Rembrandt's actual house and studio the other day and that can make this a Studiio Friday sort of blog. Hmn, let's see if i can google an illustration...http://www.rembrandthuis.nl/cms_pages/index_main.html
Yes, very interesting. I wonder how long it will take until the picture disappears.

Well, anyway, I should also mention the Van Gogh Museum because we spent most of our time there and it was great to see the evolution of his painting style and eavesdrop on a high school tour guide that I think only i truely appreciated. We also went to the Sex Museum. Lots of the same. No high school tour. Was surprised to see pornographic photos of the same era as Van Gogh. Seems somehow of another world. But obvoiusly not, as Vincent was friends with Toulouse Lautrec and others of Montmartre including the Green Fairy. But I was still surprised to see someone's great-great-grandparents doing very naughty things in such graphic detail.

All in all, a very cultural week. Oh yeah. We delivered the pingpong heads and I am delighted to say that they were a crowd pleaser and the designer was IMPRESSED. Thank you very much. I shall celebrate by adding colour to today's text.

Eventful week. Saturday and Sunday attended three social events in a record breaking drink-a-thon. For which I paid only slightly on Monday as I plodded through the finishing touches on our little band of pingpong heads. Then, off for a crazy overnight visit to my very favorite city in all the world, Amsterdam. After grumpily enduring the 5 hr drive complete with traditional getting lost in Belgium we arrived at our hotel only to be mildly impressed because we always get great value fo the money at the American Hotel and this one was kinda puny. Think closet. But we had a voucher from my birthday last January that was about to expire, so, Seize the Day. It was great to let that general good mood that pervades Amsterdam just work its way through my thickened skin. People smiling, shaking hands, feeling good. Windows, windows, everywhere! All with blinds wide open! Welcome life, chings the bicycle bells, toots the tram, screams the gulls, sings the smells and colours wafting out of cafés, reflecting on the canals...here lives the muse. Breath it in.

Nah, life is good. And I have decided that it is time to feel lucky. Because right here, right now, everything is OK. Flipping out is not the answer. No more drama for as long as I can muster. Promise.
Progess on the project front. SEE:


Yes, I know they're a bit silly. Cute and silly. Even sillier atop the heads of those poor 10 yr olds who will be teetering around the stage bumping into each other whilst attempting to sing an opera....Hee, hee, hee...Can't wait to see the dress rehearsal!

Saint Nicolas came last night. Sort of a pre-Christmas appetizer for the kids. The tradition here used to be presents from St. Nic on the 6th and celebrate Jesus on the 25th. Christmas hype has changed the holiday from something that was dinner with family and mass (1989) to mass commercialisation. (I prefer the commercialised version, myself. Not being a great church goer and loving the magick of twinkly lights.) Now Santa comes at Christmas, which he didn't in France 10 years ago. But it wouldn't be X-Mas without Santa so we do both, like most people now. Only this year my husband bought the presents (1 gift/child plus chocolate) and they were all under 20 bucks. Saint Nic isn't as popular this year. He's too broke and won't let Mrs. Saint Nic have any of the buying power. He does all the groceries. He makes dumb purchases. But he has control. And he's not popular. Go back to your day job, St. Nic. Let the Mrs. make the cookies. I BEG YOU!!!!!!!!

I need to get it all off my chest. It's 12:45 am and I'm not going to sleep any time soon. Unemployment is truely getting to me. First mine and secondly, my husband's. Mostly my husband's because I fear he's heading down the path of non-existance. I know this road. It started with living abroad for a few years with no more of an agenda than to get some experience in a foreign country. That was 17 years ago. I'm still here. Still hanging on because of the beautiful baby girl who's father is French. Only she's 14 now and has a step-father and 2 siblings who may not be better off over here. And it's terrifying. Going back after so long. Bringing a beautiful, over-protected teenager to North America to possibly face the sort of bullies and drinking and crazy teen-age drama that I enjoyed over there. Terrifying. But we're broke. My husband may have a better chance over there. And there's family. (Albeit neurotic in many more ways than I these days) And there's my fear of waking up from this dream and being too old to get a life. Not that I look old. Or act old. Or even believe in "old". Nope, I am of the immortals. I will always be 28. Just like my mom. We are a whole family of 28 yr olds. Except for my husband, who's 33 and has some growing up to do. His job search technique is non-exisant. Path of non-existance. What the hell am I going to do? I know that you can't answer that. But I do feel like the girl in that picture down there. How am I supposed to give my kids the perfect life in this state of total uselessness. I would bite the bullet if only someone would fire the gun. Yes, I am feeling truely sorry for myself tonight. Sob sob sob.

Just a Little

you are going to kill yourself. You got to
depressed one day and you couldn't take it any
more so you shot yourself in the head... *sigh*


How will you die? (beautiful pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla

Blue Fairy

oh. and i decided to change my name because someone else is using it now and i visited her site and she's nice so she can keep it.

Fuming

Things on my mind. Extreme agitation after yet another political argument with my husband and his condescending friend, where, as usual, I get pinned for not being able to back up my opinions with research. As usual I am called on a technicality such as speaking out of turn, being a right brain thinker, or not knowing how the American government really actually functions. Well, forgive me for not having a degree in political science. I was also ignorant of the fact that only those who are properly educated and actual American citizens are allowed to have an opinion on the affairs of the world's most-in-your-face country. The argument began at a nice French restaurant. It could have been a nice evening. We were hosting a college friend of my husband's, who'd been traveling Europe and was debating a move to the EC. But he had to complain, again, about how the nasty Europeans, who are too uninformed to have an opinion, seem to enjoy backing him into a heated political lambasting at every given opportunity. I suggested that maybe it would be more useful to listen to them rather than to engage in defensive behavior. Maybe if so many people are up in arms there's something to be said... But apparently they're all to uninformed to have any legitimate points and all they want is to verbally abuse the first available American. Or maybe they're just probing to see if Americans are as arrogant as they seem to come off at times. Hmn, I wonder what their conclusion was... My advise was that he should go home to America where everyone is so much more sensible. (This guy has a degree in international relations...btw) So now I'm in a quandary. I would prefer to stick my head back in the sand and forget about this icky feeling of not being able to carry on a proper political discussion but I can't. I feel I must make up for opting out. Somehow. I owe it to myself to at least not get creamed like that by a couple of rich boy smartypants conservative males and sit there all defenceless with nothing but my little B.A. and my crappy MRS. and a fork to cling to.
Does anybody else ever feel this way?

progress

Studio Friday (unofficially)

what i did yesterday...

When I started this blog I had to write that blurb at the top and had no idea what a blog was so I just let'er rip. Not that it's supposed to be anything, that's the beauty of it. But the more I blog the more I realize how lazy I am. Or is that, uninspired? Or uninspiring ...

Well, free spirited as I like to be, the Critic is hounding me to get some substance. So I happened upon the Self Portrait Tuesday site and think maybe I'll give it a try. This was via My Topography who also does Studio Friday. Also intriguing. I really admire women who can keep their creative energy flowing.

I've found that being perceptive and oversensitized has made me a little jaded. When I try to filter what comes in or how it affects me, the gates just shut completely. It's apparently a Capricorn trait to turn off when disappointed. But all that turning off gets me where?

Suddenly realizing that you're older than the people playing the parents on those family sitcoms that you still watch (because my daughter does) is depressing and liberating. I am not in a bubble where time stands still.

If I want to do something it has to be now, not later, whenever the conditions are better, whenever it's convenient for everyone, whether the results are less than perfect or superb. It doesn't have to be stunning. It doesn't have to get me that great job or impress a lot of people. It just has to start. Because I'm not dead yet but I really will be some day.

So, I want to do the self portraits, and take photos of what I see, and try to remember all the excellent things my kids come up with every day. Because this is life. So what about the crappy stuff. I'm gonna go charge my camera.

Thanks V.H.

So COOL, from Virushead's blog. Google "(your name) needs". So COOL.
I need:
1) jack : my dh
2)36 000 dollars : the amount owed to us by dh's former employer
3)a life : a life
4)answers : about the money, about our financial future
5)to clarify her bosses expectations : does he expect to pay us...
6)to learn it's normal for someone to have a bad day : is this just a bad day?
7)to evaluate her relationship with jack : uh, yeah
8)to wake up and smell the emotional abuse : possibly
9)to keep her trap shut about things she knows nothing about : not sure about this, but good advice
10)a man in her life : dh ?
11) to decide how much she likes that new car smell : alot. but i was ready to sell it months ago

thanksgiving supper

no more picture fun. "they" keep deleting them. totally insensitive.
big day at the farm. puppetheads on their way again. unhappy with a lip adjustment. happy with some eyebrows. very happy to be occupied away from house.
let dh get the sense of how lonely the day can be when it's spent catering to the transport needs of others interspersed with long periods of nowhere to go. two nights in a row i have come home to gross pizza ( LEFT OVER, REHEATED) after a day of fasting and working in an unheated shop, hugging a hot coffeecup to get the movement in my fingers back.
the effort i put into trying to come up with balanced meals - it like he's telling me to eat s*%t. thank you so much. i appreciate you too. nyah.

Your Blog Should Be Purple

You're an expressive, offbeat blogger who tends to write about anything and everything. You tend to set blogging trends, and you're the most likely to write your own meme or survey. You are a bit distant though. Your blog is all about you - not what anyone else has to say.

What Color Should Your Blog or Journal Be?

i seem to write most about things that are melancholy. in a conversation with myself the other day, the Critic asked me if i knew how to express anything other than woulda, coulda, shoulda.
flaws, cracks, wrinkles, smudges, bruises, sorrows, have always smacked me in the face until i can only point them out in painful detail. overandoverandover. this will probably never change. as i explore the thoughts of others, after so many years of self-imposed banishment, i am suddenly remembering. there are sunsets, sunrises, frost on the trees, moss on rocks, alters in the woods, grafitti etched in stone, splodges of paint, spontaneous hugs and new discoveries shared with my imps, snapshots, signs along the way, ingenious ideas that fill me with electricity.
i am remembering. hurray for internet.

Maybe its not nice to cut and paste other peoples photos/drawings into my blog without the proper accreditations. But it's kind of like cutting out magazine pics and sticking them on your bedroom wall...totally innocent. or doing collage. so if i have been bad i am truely sorry. but i will continue to do it because pictures mean i dont have to write so much. which is lazy but whatever. also i like to make my blog pretty as i am not so gifted at the writing part. this is a surprise to me, having been fairly good at it back when i was feeling like a real person many years ago. then i started splitting myself into smaller units giving a third of my brain to each child and the result is total distraction. i could write about being an expat and an expat-mom and an anarchist of sorts and escapism and unemployment and extreme employment and glamour and loneliness and fairytales and emtpy fridges and dirt under my fingernails that wont scrub off. i could write about the bubble and how i slowed down time inside the bubbble and how i wish everyone else would be the same when i return to the homeland once a year. but i CANT. i'm ADD. ALL THE TIME. i can only spurt off the surface. i can come up with a great story skeleton but i cant meat it in.
or is that WONT, says the Critic.
cantwontcantwontcantwontcantwont...
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Staying warm. my new obsession. lots and lots of wood in the fireplace and drinking hot chai tea. kids are playing hide and seek. daddy's doing diy. home improvement - the very best way to get your wife off your back. the tv is off and all is well. sigh. dh lets me obsess at the computer in hopes t'will appease the unfocused restlessness which causes his wife to pick petty arguments. and overfocus on which toys belong in which boxes and which tools belong in the garage and which shoes should be put in bedrooms and which can stay on the rack. one pair out per customer, that's the rule. otherwise it's shoeland. who am i kidding. this is shoeland. there's a pair of my dh's shoes at every door. until i throw them outside. with everything else he leaves en route to somewhere else. wait. stop this. i was almost peaceful for a moment there. just one other thing. sorting clothes. opened a box of carefully preserved six year old's stuff from my eldest now to go to her little sister. well, it's depressingly out of style and so here i am with a quandry. a laundry quandry. so sentimentally attached am i to the visual memory of "things". i know it's just stuff. but my big girl will never be that small again. it's a sickness. live in the now, says the critic. i know but look there's a stain on that dress form the canteen. "Maman, will you come and help at the cantine? Please? All the other kids mommies have come..." says the little stain. "i will some time honey but mommy's very tired with the babies and i don't have anyone to look after them..." says the place i meant to scrub so long ago but didn't. so i hang on to this stuff cause it talks. sometimes more than my actual 14 yr old . therefore, perhaps i will stop blogging and go help the kids mess up their room. and add another log to that fire.

suddenly it is cold. grey fog over the trees, blanketing the yard in mystery. my island. to step from driveway to road is to step into nothingness. isolation from the noisy world. happy in a cloud. hello winter. heighten my senses. the fire that crackles in the stove. and coffee steaming. warm meets cold.
and comfort. a constant purring pussy cat curled up fat and content. endlessly feeding, sleeping and licking it's own butt.
thing needs to be kicked outside and ignored to be truely appreciated.
where is that cat?

The Critic has been at work. Several posts deleted. Why? Because I can. Ha,ha,ha,ha,ha,haaaaaaa...

Tits and Ass

Saw a movie last night. Bad movie. part of a festival. had to sit through it and try to hold back true feelings so as not to offend the producer. bad because the female role might as well have been played by a blow up sex doll. no place for "female spectator identification". no thought to it at all. all for the tits and ass. felt like a hostage. very upset that i went in expecting to take the movie seriously. very pissed off about having to keep my mouth shut. very pisssed.

surveys are cool

Your Element is Metal

Your power colors: white, gold, and silver Your energy: contracting Your season: fall You are persistent (and maybe even a little bit stubborn). If you see something you want, you go for it. You have a lot of strength, and it's difficult to get you down. Very logical, you tend to analyze everything going on in your life.

What Element Are You?

Bag of Diamonds

Saw "Cold Mountain" yesterday. Really good. Going to get all philosophical again. Reminded me that life's a struggle and that the comfort we have today is SO not real. (like i needed reminding)
And here comes the self-reflecting garbage: Ava and Ruby pretty much sum up the two sides of myself that unlike them have not learned to cooperate. Let us go to the divan....
I came to my adult life (blah-di-blah-di-blah) a "wild child" AND a "pretty thing" with so little practical knowledge I could not survive. The "wild child" pulled me through and took over for a long time. Until it was time to be a wife. Now I'm the onlooker who feels that nothing useful can be done in my current position as a mother. I've never achieved balance...
The wild child is SCREAMING at me to DO SOMETHING. The civilized lady is agreeing but can not see what exactly. The wild child has painted over 200 sq. meters of house single-handedly in the last four weeks and the lady has torn out her hair, sent out a few CV's and felt useless.
Ava gets a grip in the movie and learns from Ruby. She "packs ice around her heart" and gets on with it. How do I reconcile these strong forces in my life and make them work together?
And this made me think too: when Ava is finally (re)united with her man she wonders how they could both believe so hard in what were only a few moments together before they were separated. He answers it was not the number of moments but the wealth of what each moment represented, like a "bag of diamonds". Hmmn....I should stop chucking all those little bags out the window just because i think they're never going to be full enough.

The Empress

http://www.lunaea.com/tarot/ - of course this is not my art. But it would be alot like my art if I did any. And the topic of the day is Tarot. I have been advised by my spiritual source to UNCLENCH. Too true to ignore, I can only say, download the Tarot widget. Very cool. Also cool,http://artpad.art.com/?ipjgarihkhs

I Have An Announcement To Make

The other day, as I hinted to last week, I had a big interview. The result being, I have been proposed A Big JOB. And I am freaking out now. Freaking out. Proof that the Tantric Living Theory really works. But here I cower behind a door that the Self-Preservation Squad has efficiently slammed shut and bolted tight. Why!!!!!!! This is the perfect job for me. It's ME. Except I haven't been me for so long and although I know I have the stuff, well I'm a little rusty at that thing they call Determination and Self-Conviction. I'm capitalizing too much. Forgive me. Also, although the job was conveniently untitled, alot of time was spent telling me it's not a 9-5 day. Because apparently I will be in charge of everything. That much I'm used to. But on a permanent basis, I fear for my children. The first one grew up so fast while I was job focused in my 20's. Urrrrrggggggg. Tear out hair. Beat fists. BUT YOU NEED THE MONEY!!!!!!!!!!THIS IS A JOB FOR YOU!!!!!! IT MAKES SENSE !!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S POETRY !!!!!!!! NO ! IT'S, IT'S, IT'S, PISS-OR-GET-OFF-THE-POT-TIME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, obviously I have no choice but to take it once they figure out how much they can pay me. Offer which I expected on Monday. This is not the first time they've made me wait, therefore not a bad sign. But if I actually do take the job I will expect things to be a little more prompt. Yes I will. Until then I will torture myself with the unlimited possibilities of what will be shall be...

Lounging

This is me today.

Here Comes the Sun

I'm torn between this daily writing exercise w/coffee ritual and an amazing sunrise which is streaming gold through my window. Nature wins!
Back with frozen toes. Amazing. It's the end of October and I can stroll around the backyard in thongs and a housecoat for 20 minutes. Something my cherished former landlady taught me. She used to stroll around in her housecoat in sub-zero February. And she was in her 80's. I really loved Colette. She had so much character and although she would come into my appartment and bawl me out for letting my wok rust, in the end she was like a grandmother to me and my 5yr old daughter. In fact, she was the first person to treat me with any compassion at all in Luxembourg. Despite the fact that her original intent had been to have an additional servant living in the cottage and paying rent... (Lot's of work on a property like hers) She tried for months to get me to open her shutters in the morning and close them at night...which I did as a favor sometimes. (She had a maid) I remember once, I was hanging the laundry in a rather mishappen manner whilst being observed from Colette's parlour window. Over she comes to comment on my lack of style. WHAT!? Will these people not relent?! I am a single mother, in a foreign country, with a 12 hr/day 6 day work week (when work was available) I'm doing my best! Give me a BREAK! So I asked her, in light of all this, to explain why I should bother to hang the socks with the socks, the undies with the undies etc., and she told me "Pour l'amour des choses bienfaits". Which means, "For the the pleasure of doing things well." And she explained the feeling it gives to look out the window and see neat rows of laundry all carefully laid out and drying on the line. Zen of laundry.
Luxembourg has some old fashioned ideas about things and I had already been chewed out for laundry drying on a Sunday, by a different landlord, but this time I keyed into something: the quality of living that requires a little more effort but allows you to slow the pace and take pleasure in life's unavoidable repetitive tasks. So many ways this cantakerous old lady will never be forgotten. I wish I could talk to her again. Colette passed away this time last year. She said she would fly out the window like a bird...I totally believe she did.
PS. Colette, Carine is still not closing the shutters...

Should I Stay Or Should I GO

Just got back from having the 2nd mortgage notarized. What a feeling. So exciting. Did you know that "mort" means death and "gage" is a bet in French? Pretty much sums it up I think. We have til Jan. to come up with a plan or the bank takes all. I would be thoroughly enjoying this lovely fall now if it weren't for trips to the notary and such. Oh, well. I have planned an afternoon of paint therapy and should be feeling just fine after a few whifs of that yummy white spirit. This crap is affecting my kids. Thought I'd mention them. They are growing up without fun Mommy. So the youngest,(4 ) the still somewhat unsevered one who psychically connects to my every mood is having neurotic fits of disappointment whenever the slightest thing is out of whack from how you put the toothpaste on his toothbrush to who turns off the tv. The Middle child (6) is an Angel, making all things right. The Eldest, is 13. Need I say more. She is kind of excited about the far-off possibility of a North American life: as portrayed on Nickelodeon.

Simplicity

No more messing with colour. This will be my template. Its not about the pretty decorations and I am not a web designer yet. So there you go. Also must apologize to the imaginary world about feeling very very sorry for myself from time to time. Not that I want to go into the details but sometimes life is messed up. On the bright side I got a call back on my CV. Trouble is going to the interview and actually being a whole other me that I haven't really been in a long, long time. It's not because the things in the resume are false it's just never good enough to me. Plus there's this reclusiveness that's totally overcome my personality. Not too compatible with the world's expectations and yet I know the other me needs to be in a certain environment and that happens to include floodlights. The great common denominator however is the money. Money will coax me out of my hole just about every time. And hell, it'll be fun.
Right now I am saying this and listening to a radio mom-cast where the subject matter makes me barf and so does their diction. It's not AYAND it's AND, it's not fustrating, it's frustrating. YOU ARE ON THE RADIO LADY. But I enjoy the programme anyway being lonely and all. It does appear that a lot of women are very concerned with pleasing others and fulfilling their role. When I was home in Canada I felt the overachiever vibe as well. Why the competition? I believe in a full life but advertising the crammed schedule across the soccer field, what is the reason for this? And the stuff!!!!Equipment for this, gadgets for that, be prepared or else...Or else what? You'll be downsized by your husband? Perhaps...Not that I'm not a little crucified by the whole mom-job-self dilemma but why broadcast your goodness all over the place. It's got my sister totally neurotic about having enough, supplying enough to the kid's needs...(very spoiled kids) Also, I was shocked at the sibling rivalry. My kids have never been exposed to it and it took me three weeks to detox them. Now they play together again without the sly little pinches and the nasty asides just to see how upset they can get each other or try to get the other in trouble. (they are 15 months apart)Yes, it is a scary thought coming home to America with all it's conveniences and entitlement. But it's also a scary thought to be growing old in a foreign country where they don't know how to barbecue.

ART AS COMMoDITY

This is progress. It's not pretty but it's more colourful. A small success. Snaps for the Mom. Also, I have nearly finished painting the house in lovely sexy marooooooon. A very sexy looking shack. Yet still a shack. As inch by inch I discover the crevices left by years of neglect (talking about the siding not my face) I think of sacrificial rights and what sort of pampering must have been bestowed on virgins being offered to appease the gods. Yet here the god is the green eyed devil and his lustful bulldozers. Perhaps it will not happen. An answer will come some marvellous breakthrough in film financing incentives will shower the country in big budget projects and our desert landscape will again be green. GREEN. Like American money. Like the money that didn't show up from AMERICA the land of PROMISE. The misplaced investment which despite a big bank guarentee was not forthcoming. Leaving hundreds of people unpaid and an industry choking to death. Waiting for the resolution which has been PROMISED for over a year...Until then we prepare the offering - our house. And I must release a curse into the blogger fountain of wishes. I curse the 2 reckless producers of Italo-American origin whose selfishness is costing alot of people their sanity. Gypsies, tramps and theives we here it from the people of the town they call us...and these 2 assholes are why. They give us a bad name. FUCK YOU F. and F. YOU CROOKS.

Technical Difficulties

I would seriously like to change this background. Have spent hours trying to figure it out. Can't do it. I suck at technology. Parlez-vous français? ah, ooui. Deutch? Ein bichen. CSS? nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Well, think I'll go try again.

Surpassed

Went to see some shorts made in Lux and was pleasantly surprised. As we're attending the local Oscars it seemed a good idea to at least have seen a few. Luckily the 4 we saw were designed by friends and so I'll have something to talk about tomorrow night other than my house, my kids, and the Lurking Doom. Kind of a funny feeling when you can look back on the days when it all started and say I remember when...We were all running around a little crazed, learning a new business that invented itself as it went along... Much to the dismay of many a seasoned film vet. whose ways of doing things are shall we say challenged here in the wild west. Now, the business is going to places like Hungary and sometimes it feels like we're officially on the Titanic. But the musics still playing and I can swim (and put up with cold temperatures) so I guess we'll hang around a little longer. I was actually asked for my CV yesterday. A random act of kindness or could this be hope? I am a stubborn girl. I have perservered for a LOOOONG time. But usually the positive effects of my tenacity are kicked to bits in a fit of self-hatred that personally I feel all individuals should have to inflict upon themselves because we as human beings are vile creatures and should not be allowed to breeze through life without a self-questioning moment... And personally I have always enjoyed the bitter-sweet. That's why I haul rusty iron-work out of the bin and store it in my garage. Beauty needs to be a little tarnished for me to appreciate. Maybe that's why I refuse to allow success to enter my life when it's banging on the door and all it needs is a welcoming smile and an open heart to do my bidding. Tantric living. Hold out until you can't bear it and than throw the door open and let the whoosh of what you want just drown you in yes, yes, yes!!!!!!!!! Maybe that's it.

Coffee Time

Un grand café au lait to be exact. I love quiet. First thing in the morning quiet after everyone's out the door and it's too early to do much except watch the mist dissipate and explore computerland. On the list for today, slap as much paint on the remaining 200sq. meters of house- a lovely aubergine for the siding and petrol for the trim...i like these colours so much it's actually soothing to be up on the ladder covered in ick spreading this gorgeous ick everywhere and feasting my eyes on my colourwheel success. It's very hard to actually get the "right" colour off a chart. Once it's on a large surface and in the natural light things can be very dissappointing. We started off with a lovely barn red and after applying to several corners found it kind of screamed "bodies inside", so we went for the plum. a huge success. Mom the House Painter. My kids think I'm very cool when I'm on a ladder all painty. Anyways, I don't want to speak of the Lurking Doom today. I'm sick of it. In fact it's a vey beautiful European Fall and I want to enjoy it (maybe for the last time) and as a stress monster I only enjoy ripping into people. The balance goes, 3 days a week I am an awful, useless stress-monster and the other four I am functional and can see beauty all around...hmn...sounds like a manic depressive personality disorder says the Critic. Oh, hello Critic would you like to say a few words this morning? Well, yes. I think your blog is very self-reflective to say the least and it kind of makes me gag actually. Why don't you write more informative, or humoristic pieces and stop blubbering...be proud...suck it up...get with the programme...get a life...join the real world...wake up and smell the coffee!!!!!!! Ok. SHUT UP NOW. This is MY blog and I'll spill my guts or not if I want to. And other people who I enjoy too much to try to emulate already have the intelligent stuff covered so BUG OFF. But the coffee suggestion was a good one. Coffee anyone?

Today and yesterday

Mid-life crisis number 2, I guess. The first one in my 20's when I broke up with my French boyfriend and dragged my 4yr old off into a brief time of self-inflicted poverty and despair. In the most honorable name of finding myself. Worked like a slave, never had enough money, but did become somewhat of a power woman. Men did not like me in this form. They wanted to reform me. Stop me from driving a truck and getting dirty and having that crazy look in my eyes and that fire in my belly. After a while I wore out. The jobs were too few and far between. After writhing in this lifestyle for several years I met a nice guy. The Charming Prince as it were. This was a good thing and a bad thing. Healthy family living rushed into my life. Maybe all my voice needed was a little food and a hug. Ok. So now, two kids, a home reno and an extra 30 lbs. later, my DH has lost his job. I see the precipice once again. The drop is much farther. First of all, I'm 10 years older and feel like leftovers on the job market buffet. Secondly, that security blanket (that I think was suffocating me anyway), is gone. And there it is....something small but fierce, that fire in the belly, has started to get me moving again.